Free Range by Bill Whitehead for July 15, 2010

  1. Zappa sheik
    ksoskins  over 14 years ago

    Here’s some tips on how to sell your soul to the devil:

    SET THE DEAL UP PROPERLY. There’s a right and wrong way to make contact with the Devil. The right way is to be alone in your room, close your eyes and say, “Satan, I summon you. I have a quality soul to sell if the price is right.” It may take dozens, even hundreds of tries but at all costs, avoid sounding desperate or needy. He’ll show up eventually.

    DEAL FROM A POSITION OF POWER. By far the biggest mistake people make is to underestimate how badly Satan wants their soul. It’s like precious gold to him and he’ll pay anything to get it. When he appears, get him to make the first offer, then up it.

    GET THE ABSOLUTE BEST. Remember, you’re going to burn in Hell forever. So no matter how badly off you are now, demand the best. For instance, even if you feel unlovable and desperate with loneliness, don’t just say, “I want the most gorgeous woman on earth and I want her to be madly in love with me.” Instead, add, “In fact, throw in 100 other women as well so I can pick and choose according to my mood.”

    REMEMBER TO DEMAND THE LIFE-EXTENSION CLAUSE. Satan won’t tell you if you don’t ask but you can get a guarantee of 300 years of youthful life before you go to eternal damnation. Why enjoy a mere 75 or 80 years of reckless living when you can get 300?

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  2. Artrazz 2
    fredbuhl  over 14 years ago

    Loser with a capital L

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  3. Photo 0042 resize
    Valis616  over 14 years ago

    Lol Sheik, looks like you’ve thought about this one quite a bit.

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    HappyChappy  over 14 years ago

    Sheik appears to be talking with some experience on the subject. Maybe he has already made a deal which allows him to stay awake 24 hours a day, this is how he manages to post so many and also so very long comments.. Wonder what else he managed to get in the deal, it wasn’t the 100 most beautiful women because he definately would not have time to comment here.

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  5. Yellow pig small
    bmonk  over 14 years ago

    At least one fictional soul-seller managed to escape: David Niven wrote “Convergent Series” about him.

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  6. Baby angel with roses a
    Ushindi  over 14 years ago

    I just sort of handed him mine, over the years. He didn’t even have to ask…

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  7. Angel cat
    noreenklose  over 14 years ago

    Ushindi, If you didn’t sign a contract in BLOOD, yank it back outta his hands and RUN! ;-P It’s still yours.

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  8. Simpsonized me close up
    mrprongs  over 14 years ago

    Guess Earl is a jehova witness.

    Odd, I’d figure Lucifer would look for the desperate and needy. Far easier to swindle. And aren’t you supposed to sell your soul for something to begin with? Not an opened ended deal.

    After the deal is done, ask him to friend you on Facebook & MySpace, get his Twitter account, his LlInked In. Youtube, as well. Official site for his newsletter, etc. Offer yourself as his new BFF at no additional charge. If you’re lucky, he’ll never claim you when the times up. He’ll just be glad to be rid of you. Do not ask to friend him, or else he’ll just refuse when he sees your request. When you have his Twitter, reply to everything with inane comments that clearly aren’t funny. Always best to hedge your bets.

    That should be a 5. it won’t let me start where I want.

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