Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for September 05, 2004

Transcript:

"And now a public service announcement from your favorite rat Hiya." "Kids, I don't know about you, but for me, there's nothing worse than a teacher who makes you slog through big, fat books on American history and then forces you to write lame reports about events that have no relevance to your MTV universe." "But now, there's hope. Your favorite rat has read these books and drafted insightful, concise reports on each of the key events in American history. These reports, which are printed in full below, are being offered you for the low, low price of $1.99 each." "So, if you like them, send your $1.99 to Rat Co., c/o your local paper. Then, just cut them out, turn them in, and enjoy all the free time you'll save! So, without further delay, we give you Rat Co's top-notch reports...." "The AMERICAN REVOLUTION We don't like tea that comes from British people. So we kill them. Years later, we make up." "THE CIVIL WAR Guys with beards take their states and go home. We shoot them. Years later, they star in "Dukes of Hazzard." "THE GREAT DEPRESSION Poor people from Oklahoma go to California to pick grapes. Those who stay in Oklahoma are immortalized in the Merle Haggard song, "Okies from Muskogee." "WORLD WAR TWO We save the French. They thank us by sitting in their cafes and smoking ciagrettes." "And now back to Total Request Live." "I WANT MY MTV!!"