Close to Home by John McPherson for November 21, 2018

  1. Doug3
    baddawg1989  over 6 years ago

    Like the peasant said in Monty Python and the Holy Grail when the operators of the ā€˜bring out your deadā€™ wagon kept trying to throw ā€™im on it: ā€œI feel happyyyyyyā€¦ā€ :-)

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    clayusmcret Premium Member over 6 years ago

    BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!Man: Hereā€™s one-Cart-master: Ninepence.Old Man: (feebly) Iā€™m not dead!Cart-master: (suprised) What?Man: Nothing! Hereā€™s your ninepenceā€¦.Old Man: Iā€™m not dead!Cart-master: ā€˜Ere! ā€™E says ā€™eā€™s not dead!Man: Yes he is.Old Man: Iā€™m not!Cart-master: ā€˜E isnā€™t?Man: Wellā€¦ he will be soonā€” heā€™s very illā€¦Old Man: Iā€™m getting better!Man: No youā€™re not, youā€™ll be stone dead in a moment.Cart-master: I canā€™t take ā€˜im like that! Itā€™s against regulations!Old Man: I donā€™t want to go on the cartā€¦.Man: Oh, donā€™t be such a baby.Cart-master: I canā€™t take ā€˜imā€¦.Old Man: I feel fine!Man: Well, do us a favorā€¦Cart-master: I canā€™t!Man: Can you hang around a couple of minutes? He wonā€™t be longā€¦Cart-master: No, gotta get to Robinsonā€™s, they lost nine today.Man: Well, whenā€™s your next round?Cart-master: Thursday.Old Man: I think Iā€™ll go for a walkā€¦.Man: Youā€™re not fooling anyone, you knowā€” (to Cart-master) Look, isnā€™t there something you can doā€¦?

    (they both look around)

    Old Man: I feel happy! I feel happy!

    (the Cart-master deals the old man a swift blow to the head with his woodenspoon.The old man goes limp.)

    Man: (throwing the old man onto the cart) Ah. thanks very much.Cart-master: Not at all. See you on Thursday!Man: Right! All rightā€¦.

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  3. Hobo
    MeGoNow Premium Member over 6 years ago

    We paid for that plot, and by God, youā€™re going to use it.

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    Stevefk  over 6 years ago

    He was just dying to see how many people would actually show up for his funeral!

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  5. Spock
    Spock  over 6 years ago

    His friends assembled at the wake,

    And Mrs. Finnegan called for lunch,

    First they brought in tay and cake,

    Then pipes, tobacco, and whiskey punch.

    Miss Biddy Oā€™Brien began to cry,

    ā€œSuch a neat clean corpse, did you ever see,

    Arrah, Tim mavourneen, why did you die?ā€

    ā€œAh, hould your gab,ā€ said Paddy McGee.

    (Chorus:) Whackfolthedah ā€¦

    [ā€¦]

    Then Micky Maloney raised his head,

    When a noggin of whiskey flew at him,

    It missed and falling on the bed,

    The liquor scattered over Tim;

    Bedad he revives, see how he rises,

    And Timothy rising from the bed,

    Says, ā€œWhirl your liquor round like blazes,

    Thanam oā€™n dhoul, do ye think Iā€™m dead?ā€

    [Irish, ā€œSoul to the devil ā€¦ā€]

    (Chorus:) Whackfolthedah

    (In James Joyceā€™s book, they then tell him that he already has an successor and he should stay in the coffin.)

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  6. Tarot
    Nighthawks Premium Member over 6 years ago

    theyā€™re crying over their lost inheritance

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    Jeffin Premium Member over 6 years ago

    Wanna keep it down. Weā€™re trying to grieve over here.

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  8. Bits2
    Diat60  over 6 years ago

    Granny Weatherwax: ā€œI hainā€™t deadā€.

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  9. Img 1375
    Lakegal  over 6 years ago

    Iā€™m missing the little alienā€¦ He disappeared in a ladyā€™s car on the 17th. Heā€™s been abducted!

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  10. Stinker
    cuzinron47  over 6 years ago

    Yeah, but now youā€™re gutless.

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    p_sully214  over 6 years ago

    In answer to Steven Coveyā€™s question ā€œWhat do you want people to say about you at your funeral?ā€ my response is ā€œHOLY SMOKE!!!HEā€™S ALIVE!ā€

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  12. Calvin   hobbes   playtime in snow avatar flipped
    Andrew Sleeth  over 6 years ago

    ā€œI see dead people ā€¦ "

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