Good evening, one and all! Gotta say I’m not letting Silver hog all the classics. Here’s one of my all-time favorites:
A man needs a job, so he applies at the local zoo. “We don’t have any openings for a zookeeper at the moment,” he’s told. “But our gorilla just died, and he was our main attraction. How about we pay you to put on this gorilla suit and pretend you’re the gorilla?”
Well, the man is desperate, so he takes the job. Soon, he grows into his rôle, and he’s jumping around, thumping his chest. Unfortunately, the gorilla head he’s wearing impairs his sight, and one leap takes him over the fence and into the lion’s pit. As he lies on the ground, dazed, he sees the lion coming toward him, closer and closer… He begins screaming, “Help! Help me!!”
When the lion gets to him, it opens its mouth…and says, “Shut up! Are you trying to get us both fired?”
In the US, I’ve never been to a movie theatre where you’re assigned a seat, let alone allowed to pick one with the ticket (although I have seen that for live theatre and concerts). Is it just my own random experience, or an international difference?
I’ve heard that story about the drunk baker on the Titanic surviving in the cold water. I think it is more likely that, because he was drunk, to ease the fear of drowning, he later greatly exaggerated the time he spent in the water. Probably the degree of hypothermia he did experience affected his brain. The Unsinkable Molly Brown was more believable.
This requires a new “Titanic”-movie! Here some possible quotes out of it, just in case you need inspiration, Mr. Cameron:
1. BAKER “I’m the king of the wooorld)”
ROSE “Boy, is that guy drunk again?”
2. BAKER “Jack, I’m flying!”
ROSE “Who the f&%k is that Jack he is talking to?”
CAPTAIN “Jack Daniel’s, I presume!”
3. BAKER Whom do I need to kiss the a$$ to get my drink on the rocks?!"
FROM ABOVE “Iceberg,Right ahead!!”
BAKER “Oh, thank ya, Lord!”
4. BAKER “Listen, Four Roses. You’re gonna get out of that bottle, you’re gonna go on and you’re gonna make lots of Bourbon-burps, and you’re gonna watch them soar. You’re gonna get drunk icecold… and warm in your bed of my stomach you create much of serotonin to help me not to die, not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me – or did the booze just blur my speech?”
It’s rather easy to understand why those particular people in that group are single.
Take care, may obscure self avowed Titanic survivor Wilenette “I Never Did Get On The Ship Or Even Purchase A Ticket Come To Think Of It I Never Heard Of It Until It Was In The Papers But I Did Survive And Was London’s Finest Seamstress For My Neighbours Who Provide Me With Scones And Tea” McLyingsackofcompostord be with you, and gesundheit
I always thought alcohol does the opposite: It cools you out. You feel warmer, but effectively you lose body temperature faster. Or maybe it kept him from freezing? Idk… Anyone?
Actually, alcohol is one of the worst things you can take for hypothermia, as it dilates the peripheral blood vessels, leading to even more rapid heat loss.
yes there are some movie theaters where you buy reserved seats. they usually have some other attraction like you can buy booze there and dinner which may be served ahead of the show…Some just claim to be luxury theaters…
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.
“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”
“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster,” he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”
Alcohol expands the capillaries in ones extremities which makes you feel warmer as body heat is dissipated outward. In freezing conditions, this makes it harder for your body to conserve heat, which will make you die of exposure more rapidly.
RIP George Booth, great New Yorker cartoonist, dead at 96 (!) …he worked right up until recently. https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=george+booth+cartoons+images#imgrc=6pGIyNTz_4NIKM
I recently spent $6,500 on a registered Black Angus bull.I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.Anyway… I had the Vet come and take a look at him.He said, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.The bull started to service the cows within two days… all my cows!He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor’s cows!He’s like a machine!
I don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him … but they kind of taste like peppermint.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.The son says, “I did some schoolwork.”The robot slaps the son.The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”Son says, “Toy Story.”The robot slaps the son.Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.”Dad says, “What? At your age, I didn’t even know what porn was.”The robot slaps the father.Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”The robot slaps the mother.
It’s a slow day in the town and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through the town, stops at a hotel, and lays a $50 pound note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
(now… pay attention)
The butcher takes the $50 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $50 and heads off to pay his bill to his feed supplier.
The guy at the supplier takes the $50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.
Now, the hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $50 back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes back down the stairs, stating that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $50 pound note and leaves.
No one produced anything and no one earned anything!
However… the whole village now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee!
A little more about serotonin. It’s sometimes called the “happiness” chemical, because it contributes to happiness and a feeling of well-being. It is produced in the brain and in the platelet cells of the blood as well as the intestines as mentioned here.
eromlig about 2 years ago
Good evening, one and all! Gotta say I’m not letting Silver hog all the classics. Here’s one of my all-time favorites:
A man needs a job, so he applies at the local zoo. “We don’t have any openings for a zookeeper at the moment,” he’s told. “But our gorilla just died, and he was our main attraction. How about we pay you to put on this gorilla suit and pretend you’re the gorilla?”
Well, the man is desperate, so he takes the job. Soon, he grows into his rôle, and he’s jumping around, thumping his chest. Unfortunately, the gorilla head he’s wearing impairs his sight, and one leap takes him over the fence and into the lion’s pit. As he lies on the ground, dazed, he sees the lion coming toward him, closer and closer… He begins screaming, “Help! Help me!!”
When the lion gets to him, it opens its mouth…and says, “Shut up! Are you trying to get us both fired?”
monkeysky about 2 years ago
In the US, I’ve never been to a movie theatre where you’re assigned a seat, let alone allowed to pick one with the ticket (although I have seen that for live theatre and concerts). Is it just my own random experience, or an international difference?
jmolay161 about 2 years ago
I’ve heard that story about the drunk baker on the Titanic surviving in the cold water. I think it is more likely that, because he was drunk, to ease the fear of drowning, he later greatly exaggerated the time he spent in the water. Probably the degree of hypothermia he did experience affected his brain. The Unsinkable Molly Brown was more believable.
in-dubio-pro-rainbow about 2 years ago
This requires a new “Titanic”-movie! Here some possible quotes out of it, just in case you need inspiration, Mr. Cameron:
1. BAKER “I’m the king of the wooorld)”
ROSE “Boy, is that guy drunk again?”
2. BAKER “Jack, I’m flying!”
ROSE “Who the f&%k is that Jack he is talking to?”
CAPTAIN “Jack Daniel’s, I presume!”
3. BAKER Whom do I need to kiss the a$$ to get my drink on the rocks?!"
FROM ABOVE “Iceberg,Right ahead!!”
BAKER “Oh, thank ya, Lord!”
4. BAKER “Listen, Four Roses. You’re gonna get out of that bottle, you’re gonna go on and you’re gonna make lots of Bourbon-burps, and you’re gonna watch them soar. You’re gonna get drunk icecold… and warm in your bed of my stomach you create much of serotonin to help me not to die, not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me – or did the booze just blur my speech?”
Huckleberry Hiroshima about 2 years ago
It’s rather easy to understand why those particular people in that group are single.
Take care, may obscure self avowed Titanic survivor Wilenette “I Never Did Get On The Ship Or Even Purchase A Ticket Come To Think Of It I Never Heard Of It Until It Was In The Papers But I Did Survive And Was London’s Finest Seamstress For My Neighbours Who Provide Me With Scones And Tea” McLyingsackofcompostord be with you, and gesundheit
MattDingleberry about 2 years ago
I always thought alcohol does the opposite: It cools you out. You feel warmer, but effectively you lose body temperature faster. Or maybe it kept him from freezing? Idk… Anyone?
WCraft Premium Member about 2 years ago
Well, that fact about the serotonin in the gut explains America’s (and my) obsession with food.
stamps about 2 years ago
Actually, alcohol is one of the worst things you can take for hypothermia, as it dilates the peripheral blood vessels, leading to even more rapid heat loss.
paranormal about 2 years ago
I’ve never seen a movie theater where you buy reserved seats…
JohnShirley1 about 2 years ago
yes there are some movie theaters where you buy reserved seats. they usually have some other attraction like you can buy booze there and dinner which may be served ahead of the show…Some just claim to be luxury theaters…
khmo about 2 years ago
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.
“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”
“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster,” he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”
Walter Parmantie Premium Member about 2 years ago
Alcohol expands the capillaries in ones extremities which makes you feel warmer as body heat is dissipated outward. In freezing conditions, this makes it harder for your body to conserve heat, which will make you die of exposure more rapidly.
crankybadger about 2 years ago
People can still afford to go to the movies?!?!
JohnShirley1 about 2 years ago
RIP George Booth, great New Yorker cartoonist, dead at 96 (!) …he worked right up until recently. https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=george+booth+cartoons+images#imgrc=6pGIyNTz_4NIKM
JanBic Premium Member about 2 years ago
I recently spent $6,500 on a registered Black Angus bull.I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.Anyway… I had the Vet come and take a look at him.He said, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.The bull started to service the cows within two days… all my cows!He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor’s cows!He’s like a machine!
I don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him … but they kind of taste like peppermint.
JanBic Premium Member about 2 years ago
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.The son says, “I did some schoolwork.”The robot slaps the son.The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”Son says, “Toy Story.”The robot slaps the son.Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.”Dad says, “What? At your age, I didn’t even know what porn was.”The robot slaps the father.Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”The robot slaps the mother.
JanBic Premium Member about 2 years ago
It’s a slow day in the town and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through the town, stops at a hotel, and lays a $50 pound note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
(now… pay attention)
The butcher takes the $50 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $50 and heads off to pay his bill to his feed supplier.
The guy at the supplier takes the $50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.
Now, the hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $50 back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes back down the stairs, stating that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $50 pound note and leaves.
No one produced anything and no one earned anything!
However… the whole village now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee!
And that, my friends, is how a government works!
magicfever495 about 2 years ago
Those were good.
finnygirl Premium Member about 2 years ago
A little more about serotonin. It’s sometimes called the “happiness” chemical, because it contributes to happiness and a feeling of well-being. It is produced in the brain and in the platelet cells of the blood as well as the intestines as mentioned here.
RetFor about 2 years ago
… and that’s why they’re still single.