Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for January 08, 2000

Transcript:

the miracle of ... sport utility vehicles you know it's a passenger car! we know it's a passenger car! but by classifying it as a 'light truck', we take advantage of a legal loophole so big you could, well, drive a light truck though it. light trucks have looser standards for fuel efficiency and emissions than cars, so by buying a huge car -- oops, we mean 'light truck' -- your vehicle can emit over five times as much pollution and consume twice as much gas. but here are some more 'reclassifications' that will allow your next s.u.v. to be bigger and badder than ecer! coming in 2001 the orbiter 24 fpmt* your mileage may vary. we got nasa approval to classify this baby as a space shuttle!! you can blast off... to the mall! *feet per metric ton coming in 2002: the jakarta it's not a car! it's a third world city, with all the privileges that come with that. world bank financing available for 2003 - the cantelope by whimsically classifying this vehicle as a melon, our only restriction is on pesticide use. to be commissioned in 2004: the u.s.s. thomas jefferson do standard s.u.v. bumper heights leave you concerned that a collision may not utterly destroy the other vehicle? get yourself a forward deployed presence in your own aircraft carrier! coming soon say, is that a heavily regulated firearm? no! it's a flower vase! order one at 1-800-555-vase and it will be at your door tomorrow! no questions asked!