Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for February 27, 2005

Transcript:

The Adventures of Angry Bob by Rat Angry Bob was angry. "My problems stem from loneliness," thought Bob. "I will buy a women's magazine to learn what women like." Bob went to the grocery store and purchased a copy of 'Cosmopolitan' magazine. He took it home and sat in his backyard and read his magazine. And heard a crash. A Brazilian swimsuit model had fallen through his hedges. "Excuse me," she said. "I am Lupe, and I have wandered away from a bikini contest and now I am lost. I have skinned my knee falling through your hedge and would like to soak it in your tub, but I am afraid of water and will need you to hold me." Bob stared in astonishment. Thirty-five years of utter loneliness were about to end. And so Bob stood up. ...And the women's magazine fell to the ground. "'Cosmo'?" Lupe asked. "You read 'Cosmo'?" Flummoxed, Bob panicked. "She thinks you're a pansy," screamed his brain. "Eat the evidence," screamed his brain. And so, Bob ate the pages. And choked. And died. Looking at dead Bob, Lupe sighed. "Oh, if my great aunt, the woman who founded 'Cosmo', could have seen that her magazine had finally made the demographic crossover to male readers, she would have been so pleased. And her joy would have been my joy. And I would have shared my joy, in the only loving, sensual way I know how, with this poor man. But now he is dead." Rat: Always chew your food carefully.