Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for July 31, 2005

Transcript:

Editor's Note: Stephan Pastis is on vacation today. Filling in for him is his childhood friend, John Patzakis. My name is John Patzakis. I have known Stephan since we were both kids. "Hi!" Me Apparently thinking it's some kind of "honor", Stephan asked me to fill in for him today. First, I said "no." But then I realized it would give me a chance to say something that ALL of Stephan's "friends" have wanted to say out him for years... No one likes him. You may ask, "Then why do you remain friends with him?"...Well, the truth is...we feel sorry for him. "I'm great" "Pity." You see, growing up, Stephan was a skinny, obnoxious loser with super thick glasses and a mouthful of braces. "Hey! Anyone seen my retainer??" He never made it onto a single sports team he tried out for, with the exception of cross country, and that was only because they took <u>everyone</u>. (Cross Country Team) (Stephan) "Hurry up, loser." He played with "Star Wars" dolls until he was fifteen and literally did not kiss a girl until college. (That's no joke.) "Kiss me, Julene." "Go play with your dolls, loser." Well, that's all I can think of for now. If I think of more stuff later, I'll just throw it into next year's strip, 'cause Stephan told me I could do this again then. "Bye for now!" "...I don't think I'll have John do this again." "L-o-o-o-o-o-ser." S. PASTIS