Barney & Clyde by Gene Weingarten; Dan Weingarten & David Clark for October 18, 2011

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. He looked very sad. You’ve heard of the Elephant man? This guy had a face like a horse. I said, “Why the long face?” He said, “My girlfriend dumped me.” I said, “Is she suing you for palimino?” He turned away. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.— Emo Phillips

… wait for it