Phoebe and Her Unicorn by Dana Simpson for September 07, 2013

I saw this and thought it was hilarious, and yes, it IS for sale on Amazon…

Unicorn FAQ’sIs it organic? Free range? Kosher for passover? Since unicorns exist only in the wild, they’re certainly free range, but who knows if the meat is completely organic? The unicorn in your can might have been nibbling on some Monsanto GMO soybeans. As for kosher, I really don’t know. You should ask your rabbi and report back so we’ll all be informed.Is it kosher? If you look on the can, the kosher version has the tip of the horn cut off.Does Unicorn meat taste similar to chicken or spam? Well, in my opinion, it has more of that piquant thestral flavor; but your average unicorn is much more meaty, of course. And talk about one bang-up casserole. It was the talk of my last coven. Can I buy this in bulk or do I have to go to Sam’s Club? This is a non-edible product and you may purchase as many as we have on our listing. Thank you. Does the unicorn meat contain unicorn blood, and if so, should I strain it out before eating it? I don’t want to live a cursed half-life…The half-life of Unicorn blood is shorter than the half-life of a mortal being. The producers of this fine Unicorn meat do not process the Unicorn carcass until it has aged sufficient time to allow the half-life of its blood to expire. Actually, this practice is similar to kosher practices but predates biblical times. It is believed that this is where kosher practices originated from. So there is no need to worry about a cursed half-life by means of eating this product. Does the meat come from MLP-type unicorns or the Harry Potter type? Look on the back. It will either be certified by the MLPRAD(My Little Pony Rainbows & Agriculture Department) or else it will be FFC (Forbidden Forest Certified). Are you sure it is genuine unicorn? – maybe someone sold you a skinny rhinoceros with labrador hair glued to it…Unlikely. Rhinoceros hooves and Unicorn hooves are quite distinct. It would be easy to distinguish between the two. Would appreciate a few unicorn recipes – especially for my George Forman grill and fry daddy. Here is my personal favorite, the world famous Magical Meat Loaf. (Serves 4) Ingredients: 2 medium dragon eggs (preferably Hungarian Horntail, but Swedish Short-Snout will do in a pinch) 1 cup hypogriff milk 4 tbsp. rainbows 2 tsp sparkle dust (garnish) 1/2 lb ground unicorn meat 1 cup bread crumbs (If you don’t have any, Hansel and Gretel usually leave them laying around) Directions: Combine dragon eggs, hypogriff milk, rainbows, and unicorn. Mix thoroughly under a full moon for 5 minutes, stirring 4 times clockwise, 2 times counterclockwise, etc. Stir in bread crumbs and let sit for an hour. (Cover to prevent nargle theft) Put in a baking dish and cook for 45 minutes at 9,000 degrees in a witch’s cauldron. (If you don’t have a witch’s cauldron, sprinkling sparkle dust in the bottom of your oven should do the trick). Garnish with sparkle dust and serve. Source: Mrs. Weasley Does anyone know if canned unicorn meat goes bad? I blew up my Growth Ray on a package of Norwegian Ridgeback that I ordered from Romania. If it was canned fresh, it should be good for twelve months after the canning date. If there is no date on the can, just shave off a very thin slice and place it in the light of the full moon. If you cannot detect a rainbow aura with the naked eye, then the meat is past its prime and should not be eaten. After long term consumption of this, will I poop rainbows?Yes! Small, edible pieces of bite size rainbow in fact! Please be warned however that a steady stream of urine (rainbow) after consuming this product cannot be crossed with another of the same. The result will be dark matter. Is this legal to purchase in New York? Can we eat it here too?The police are already on their way to your house for just asking.Can I get my unicorn meat “rare”?All unicorn meat is, inherently, rare. It is the only way it can be cooked/served. How much meat is needed to feed another unicorn?You should not feed unicorn meat to another unicorn. – You will end up with Mad Unicorn Disease (MUD) and no rainbows. and finally…FYI, if you eat Unicorn meat, there is no truth to the story that you will have nightmares about getting impaled on the horn. Another urban legend.