Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for March 09, 2015

Transcript:

richard's poor almanack by richard thompson come back, readers! we're improving the post! news-hungry consumers are abandoning print media at an alarming rate. this'll put a stop to that! the washington post all stories, no matter the subject, will now include. 1 health care tip, 1 parenting tip, 1 ten-minute recipe, and at least 3 coupons. look! a flip-book animated editorial cartoon! flip is one way it's pro, flip the other way it's con! beat that, youtube! please stay home we're re-naming the metro section. it's now the traffic and escalator outages section. our exclusive weekly porn section every tuesday! rn you! you today what next for you? you your prostate your dog is so cute! in our you! section (formerly style), we'll use semi-legal surveillance, astrology & identity theft tor eport on your hobbies, neuroses, love life, tivo choices etc! ics from now on, every story in the busi-ness sec-tion will be written in the form of a sudoku puzzle business downturn shortfall our expanded comics section runs only "pea-nuts" and the "for better or for worse" hybrid, where the pattersons time-travel back to the '70s to battle themselves! the fedex sports section the valvoline nascar story rogaine gold report petco dog-racing our corporate-sponsored sports pages are the new industry standard! and in every delivery bag: snacks! cheezy crackers