Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for September 23, 2016

Transcript:

arrival of spring march 20- spring came to the area today, arriving in a heavily armored limousine amid tight security. according to a park police spokesman, they had received several threats to spring's safety, most from people disgruntled by winter, who had failed to deliver on promises to snow. the nature of the threats was not disclosed. speaking to the press, spring described her goals for the new season, using only the most generalized term. "now blooms each thing," she said, "and maids dance in a ring. cold doth not sting, the pretty birds do sing: cuckoo, jug-jug, pu-we, to-witta-woo." when pressed for specifics, spring was only slightly more forthcoming. questioned about the timing of the cherry blossoms, an annual concern here, spring replied, "i sing of brooks, of blossoms, birds and bowers, of april, may, of june and july flowers." spring became irritated when asked about her vivid outfit, a flowing, low-cut gown that barely contained her fertile figure. "martha steward was right about you people," she snapped as aides hustled her away. "watch it or i'll put 3 feet of water in your basement!"