Ted Rall for September 29, 2005

Transcript:

Unsolved mysteries presents: Chief justice John Roberts: How will he vote? Asterologists note that Roberts is an aquarian. (Woman 1: His aquarian loyalty will drive him to support bush, but his aquarian unpredictability will cause him to rebel.) Palm readers relying on a bootleg print left on a water glass in a white house restroom focus on his "life line." (Woman 2: He will not overturn the patriot act.) Phrenologists expect Roberts to rule for gun owners and against third-party civil litigants while voting with the majority on gay marriage, campaign finance reform and school vouchers. Handwriting analysis reveals" Verticality=fairness. Closed loops=refusal to reveal personal beliefs. Emphasis on surname diminished=desire to identify with individuals over the state. Can spell own name. Pending: Hepatoscopy: The Democratic leadership plans to subpoena Roberts' liver for analysis by a bara, or Babylonian priest, in order to divine his future voting record.