The Comic Strip That Has A Finale Every Day by John "Scully" Scully for May 20, 2015

So some bloke rang him up and said, “Is it massive?”

Kevin replies, “Huge!”

Then the bloke says, “How many feet?”

Kevin says, “None, you twit, its a snake!”

( Jan 4 )

The Old Man and the Umbrella

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab and drove away.

A week later, he came back for a fill up. Again, he got out of the car with the umbrella and opened it, but this time he just stood there watching me work. I asked, “So you’re not gonna use that to keep the sun off me this time?”

To which he retorted, “Watch it, young man. Fuel me once, shade on you. Fuel me twice, shade on me!”

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ikea stuff

Two guys are building shelfs for the others mom.

After they’re finished, the other guys’ mom comes in and says: ”You managed to build them this fast? You guys should be proud of yourshelfs!”

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Democrat!"

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

The Rollercoaster and other Rides

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screaming Monster Roller Coaster – everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , “I meant my dress size, you dumb@ss!”

( Jan 8 )

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north…

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed.” she explained. “And I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, “Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Keith.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes!” Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“Well, she just died and left me everything.”

( Jan 9 )

Coin Flipping !

Last year a guy took his girlfriend to the Superbowl. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was…‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’

Then after a short pause she says, “I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

( Jan 10 )

( Jan 11 )

One day my wife screamed at me, “You’re obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I’m leaving you!”

I replied, “May divorce be with you!!”

( Jan 12 )

I’ve searched and searched but nowhere could I find what the ‘T’ and ‘S’ stood for.

After several hours, my wife could see my utter frustration.

She muttered, “It’s probably Top Secret.”

( Jan 13 )

Not a centenarian, but getting old!

I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along with my request.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked: “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled: “HELL NO!!!”

I said, _"Oh, thank God! That’s a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I’m not allowed to go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don’t care, because they aren’t very friendly there anymore!

( JAN 15 )

Two Gladiators are fighting to the death…..

One of the gladiators severs both limbs from his opponent, but instead of giving up the opponent continues fighting by kicking and biting.

He then severs both legs from his opponent as well.

Finally, his opponent had no choice but to give up… as he was unarmed and defeated!

( Jan 16 )

After having a little nap….

my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister.

And suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.

She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”

I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed!”

( Jan 17 )

About Camels

An American and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

( Jan 18 )

Not a living bat.

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

( Jan 19 )

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious.

So he ordered an investigation into the matter. The investigator checked the problem out at several post offices and then reported it to the former President.

The results revealed that there was nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp.

The problem was that people were spitting on the wrong side.

(Jan 20)

Shopping Cart Limitations

A married couple on a tight budget were shopping in a supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and places it in their shopping cart…

The wife complained, “Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items – not luxuries such as beer costing $35.”

A little later while walking through the cosmetics aisle, the wife picks up a beauty cream and other products and place them in the cart.

The husband says, “I thought we were on a tight budget, buying only essential items, right?”

The wife responds, “These items are essential. They make me look beautiful!”

“Well,” says the husband, “the beer also makes you look beautiful and its half the price!”

( Jan 21 )

Wasn’t at the Smithsonian

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us!