Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for September 06, 2008

Transcript:

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling The History of Doug Odyssey of an Unremarkable Cartoon Character The Numbing Nineties The Awkwardly-Named Aughts By the mid-'90s, Doug's stint in an obscure comic strip had run its course. Doug: So, uh...what's new? Baby: Nothin'. So Doug left to jump on the serious-artsy-historical-graphic-novel bandwagon. But I soon received an ominous message. Cat: Comrade Lenin wants to see you. But Doug's lack of any historical knowledge whatsoever caused numerous gaffes. Doug: Tell him to back off, or his buddy McCartney gets it! Cat #1: Um... Cat #2: Uh...Doug... Doug: Hello? What's Israel's number? I'm defecting! So he sought work in the less factually rigorous world of the new ultra-dark super-hero comics. Doug: I am exploring themes of vigilantism by tearing out your organs, Capt. Bad Guy! Capt. Bad Guy: URK! His forays into darker comics left him ill-prepared for a 2000 Nick Jr. pilot, which failed in focus group tests. Doug: We live in an amoral, empty, godless void, Snooks. Child: WAH! Child #2: MOMMY! And so, by 2002, Doug was reduced to slumming in webcomics. Doug: Click here for snappy t-shirts. Whale: My feet smell. But Doug's life would change in 2004 when a Hollywood executive uttered the words: "Isn't there ANY fekakta cartoon character that hasn't been optioned for a movie yet?" Doug: Hello? Yes, this is he. And so, coming next summer... Jude Law IS Doug in DOUG The Movie GIANT WOMBATS! WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF GAS!