Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for February 25, 2025

We couldn’t do that in the hospital, but we definitely did when I worked in biotech. My supervisor, my boss, and I talked science fiction a lot. We got through the work stuff, then switched to SF&F. Fun times.

Work is a 4 letter word, and therefore rude

Especially to us stage four ergophobics!

Gossip city!!!!!

Especially in meetings.

So it’s like Fight Club?!

Was Your Printer A Stunt Double In “Office Space”?!

Our factory office doesn’t really have tech support, but I am known as the “techy guy” since I’m a PC gamer, so I always get called over to fix any computer issue a coworker is having.

The shipping manager brings me out to a mangled pile of plastic, broken circuit boards, and mechanical parts that vaguely resemble the insides of a printer.

Shipping Manager: “Can you fix it?”

Genuinely confused, I look around, assuming the printer is just trash and he is asking about something just not working nearby.

Me: Pointing at the pile “You mean… that?”

Shipping Manager: “Yeah.”

Me: “Fix? Not replace? Fix?!”

Shipping Manager: Getting annoyed “Yeah!”

Me: “What happened to it?”

Shipping Manager: “It got run over by a forklift, but they make these things super durable, you know?”

Some people just have no idea how much they don’t know.

A Bob In The Office Is Worth Two In The… Break Room?

We have a worker who I will call Bob. Bob is the kind of person who makes you wonder how they survived into adulthood, let alone got an office-based job. Bob had to be told that the term is “copy and paste” and not “copy or paste”. He was convinced that you could only do one or the other, and his mind was blown when he was shown that you could — and in fact should — do both.

For reasons known only to upper management, Bob was never let go. He just coasted along, providing “assistance” to various projects until each project manager realised what they were dealing with and tried to pass him on to another project manager to get him off their hands.

This is what I assume is happening after I see a project manager I don’t quite like (too many low-key racist comments about asylum seekers for my liking) trying to convince a new-ish project manager to take on Bob. I feel like I should say something, but I don’t have to, as my own manager is nearby and interjects.

Manager: “Having Bob on your team is like having two good workers quit.”

Bob stayed where he was.

This Office Has Really Jumped The Shark

I come into the office on a Monday and see my boss putting together a remote-controlled inflatable shark in a closet in the office manager’s office.

Boss: “Good morning!”

Me: “Uh… whatcha doin’?”

Boss: “Just giving [Office Manager] the morning he deserves.”

Me: “…”

Boss: “Okay, fine. [Office Manager] spent all weekend drinking and doing blow and getting me to do the project work that he should have been doing… again.”

Me: “And the shark?”

Boss: “He confided in me that he’s terrified of sharks, and when he’s coming down from a weekend bender, he’s extra paranoid. I’m sick of it.”

[Boss] then tests this apparatus by having the shark “swim” out of the closet and aim directly for [Office Manager]’s chair.

Boss: “Perfect! Just needs one final touch.”

He taped a small note saying “I quit!” to the back of the shark and reset it into the closet.

Sadly, I had other duties to attend to down the hall, but around 11:00 am, I heard a blood-curdling scream coming from the direction of [Office Manager]’s office. I saw [Boss] chuckling to himself as he walked toward the exit with all of his personal effects.

Along with this stunt, [Boss] had sent plenty of evidence about [Office Manager]’s unprofessional behavior (including slurred and drunken voicemail messages from [Office Manager] to [Boss] demanding that he work at the weekend) to Human Resources, which meant that a day later, [Office Manager] was also walking out the door with his personal effects.

The Office Therapy Budget May Never Recover

Other Department Manager: “[My Name], can I borrow you for a few hours?”

Me: “Sorry, I’m swamped all week with [Project] work.”

Other Department Manager: “Didn’t you hire a new temp to handle that for you?”

Me: “Yes, she started on Monday, but she’s gone.”

Other Department Manager: “It’s only Thursday. What happened?”

Me: “On the first day of work, she somehow lit her desk on fire. We’re still not sure how that happened, but she went home early because of the ‘trauma’.”

Other Department Manager: “Crazy, but accidents happ—”

Me: “On the second day of work, she ate her lunch and broke out in hives. She went home early because of the ‘trauma’. On the third day of work, she arrived at work and sat in her passenger seat until one of us went out to check on her. She claimed she hurt her back trying to pick up her purse and had one of our coworkers drive her home because of—”

Other Department Manager: “—the trauma; I get it.”

Me: “This morning, she made it in late but actually lasted until lunchtime. But she wouldn’t let anyone else use the microwave as she’s allergic to garlic. That meant that forty other people had to use a microwave on another floor. When it was pointed out that wasn’t reasonable, she said she had to go home after lunch as having her request denied was traumatic. We told her not to come in tomorrow as we don’t want to risk finding out how much more ‘traumatic’ the week could get for her.”

Other Department Manager: “Okay… Well… Good luck with [Project]!”

We did get in another temp the next week. She was a lot better, but to be fair, the bar was pretty low.

No Office Space Left For Pranks

I worked at a company that had very limited office space for higher managers. When someone got promoted they had to wait until an appropriate size office was vacated.

My boss got promoted and there was no available office. So she waited.

And waited.

There were a few other people in the same circumstance as her, but instead of a ‘first come, first served’ rule you claimed the office by submitting the appropriate form first, then you got it.

A couple of months go by, and my boss is slightly frustrated having missed out on a few opportunities. It’s the day of a big meeting; her boss, boss’ boss, and even one more level up.

My office mate and I burst into the conference room.

Me: “We apologize for interrupting, but [Boss] has to come now to claim an office that has just become available!”

Her boss scowls a little and then tells her to go.

She follows us out and in the atrium to see that instead of one of the offices vacated, we’ve pitched a tent fully populated with a desk, a phone, and a working terminal! We all start laughing at her reaction, but she is a little upset.

Boss: “You’re making me look bad in front of [senior management]!”

She turns around and all of the attendees of the meeting have followed her and are enjoying the joke. Her boss, seeing that she’s mad, steps up and says:

Her Boss: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a staff that cares more for their boss than they care for you. They organized this whole thing to celebrate your well-deserved promotion.”

Boss: “I mean, they are usually amazing… when they’re not up to shenanigans!”

Her Boss: “Just so you know, they cleared it with me to make sure we’d all be okay with this. And, as it turns out, [Boss’ Boss] pulled some strings and that room there—” pointing to where some people are standing “—is your new office!”

(Contd)

Not true Aunty, not true. Rule #2 at your office is nobody works at work. This is never discussed because of Rule #1.

After all, it is one of those four letter words.

Well…at least the plant is still alive

i have a t-shirt i used to wear to work on casual Fridays that says : "You don’t have to be crazy to work here — We’ll train you!’’

There are three things that should neve be discussed in the office: sex, politics and religion.

Here in “Tobacco Row” we also do not discuss ACC Basketball. It’s as good as sex, as controversial as politics and people follow it religiously.

Must not be a federal job.