The Comic Strip That Has A Finale Every Day by John "Scully" Scully for May 14, 2015

Hi Pete!

A Professor Calls “Pencils Down” and one students keeps writing.

When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him, “l’m not going to accept this, you didn’t put your pencil down when I said to.”

“Do you have any idea who I am?” The student says, snobbily.

“I don’t have the slightest idea who you are and I don’t care,” the professor retorted.

“Good!” The student replied as he slipped his exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.

A cop sees a suspect he’a been on the lookout for, breakdancing.

He reports to dispatch, “Suspect spotted engaging in high-profile break-dancing in the main square.”

New dispatch responds, “Copy that” … instead of the usual 10-4.

Somewhat confused, the Cop says, “I’ve had a couple lessons but I’m no way as good as him, sir.”

Gotta raise an eyebrow on this one!

That One Soldier:

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”

( for the Nov 15 Ripley’s)

Underwear Joke…

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn’t resist a quick glance at her undies:

“Hey cheeky!” she said as she gave me a playful kick, “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls’ skirts, isn’t it?”

“That’s an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam.” I said sternly. “I don’t work here!”

(Ripley’s Nov. 16 submission)

The Parrot and the Dumpster

A woman walks by a pet store everyday on her way to work and everyday the parrot out front calls her ugly!!

Finally she confronts the store owner about his rude parrot. He apologizes to her profusely. He then scolds the bird and promised her that it wouldn’t happen again.

Next day she walks by the store and again the parrot calls her ugly!! This time she threatens the owner with legal action. So he takes the parrot out back, shows him the dumpster and tells the parrot that if he calls her ugly one more time he’ll break his neck and throw his carcass in the bin.

The next day the lady walks by staring at the bird…. nothing!

She gets past the bird, stops and looks back. The parrot then says, “You know!”

(For Ripley’s Nov. 17)

It’s crude, but it’s all I got!

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, “A folding bottle.”

She said, “Okay. What do you call it?”

“A Fottle.” I replied.

“What else do you have?” she asked.

“A folding carton.” I said.

“What do you call it?”

“A Farton.” was my reply.

She snickered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

(Nov, 18)

I love Reading!

So, I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”

“Sure.” I replied. She gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

“What a nice lady,” I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”

“Because we’ve got no teeth.” she replied.

“Then why do you buy them?” I asked.

“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”

(Nov. 19)

It was a huge grocery store and my first time there.

I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, “I’ll see.” And walked off.

5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, “I’ll see,” and walked away.

I continued on and eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C!

(Nov 20 on Ripley’s)

A family goes to the zoo

They’re excited to see all the exotic animals, birds & reptiles. The first enclosure is empty, totally deserted.

Unperturbed they carry on to the next one.. again it’s empty!

Every single enclosure, cage, and run they encounter is empty, deserted and unkempt..

Except, right beside the exit is the last one; a single small solitary cage. And in it sat a small furry creature.. a dog!

The father looked at it and it occurred to him,

“This is a shih tzu!”

( Ripley’s Nov. 21)

An elderly, married couple walks into a hospital.

The doctor says to the old man, “I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”

The old man says, “What?” So the doctor says it again. Once again the deaf old codger says, “What?”

So the doctor yells it: “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”

With that the old man’s wife turns to her doddery husband and says, “He needs a pair of your underwear!”

(Ripley’s Nov. 22)

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died on Veggie Day of a severe yeast infection.

He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew he was kneaded”.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife.

They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

(Nov. 23)

Snoring like a Bear

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you?"

He said, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”

He said, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said.

They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?”

“Not really sure,” he said, “We got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Then Bob sat up and watched me all night.”

Those DANG mosquitoes!!!

After several unpleasant experiences, one night, in total darkness, Gramps opened the cabin door and said, “You see, children? Pesky mosquitoes are attracted to light! Now, we’re safe.”

BUT soon as they entered the cabin and the door was shut, Jason noticed a handful of tiny blinking lights (fireflies).

He screamed, “OMG! Gramps! They’re back and this time they have flashlights!!”

(Nov. 15, re: Ripley’s)

A story about a guy in jeans:

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”

St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

( Re: Ripley’s Nov. 26)

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”

The woman starts crying, sobbing she says to her husband, “That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.”

After a few minutes, the woman, still sobbing, asks, “How many is a Brazilian?”

(Nov, 27)

Timmy had been dating Joyce for almost 2 months and decided to tell his parents on Thanksgiving break.

When he tells his dad, he asks him “Wait a moment, is this Joyce, Susan’s girl?"

Timmy replied: “Yeah, Susan Thompson, that’s her mom, do you know her?”

His dad said after a deep sigh: “Well son, I’m afraid you can’t date her. See when I was younger I got around, if you know what I mean, and I was with Joyce’s mom around 9 months prior to her birth, so she most likely is your sister.”

Timmy was the very upset to hear this from his dad, and his mom noticed this. She asked what was going on and after much perseverance Timmy finally told her about this father’s tryst.

“Don’t let that bother, honey," she whispered in confidence, “He’s actually not your real dad!”

(Nov 28.)

John was an astronaut scheduled to fly on his first mission to the International Space Station.

The media frenzy surrounding the launch was maddening. Everywhere John went, the media followed him.

He would part the curtains at his home in the morning, and the media was out there peering in, trying to get a shot of him going about his day.

It wasn’t just the media – even his friends and relatives began pouring in. His house was literally filled to the brim with people every single minute.

There was barely any room to walk around the house, and leaving the house meant a swarm of reporters would follow him everywhere. It was becoming too much for John and NASA called in their medical team to look at his condition, only to reveal that John was becoming claustrophobic due to the constant pressure of people around him, not giving him a moment of peace and quiet.

The launch now in jeopardy, NASA were looking for a replacement but John decided to overcome his phobia and insisted that he would make the trip. Eventually, NASA decided to go ahead with John but were constantly monitoring his heart rate.

John’s heart was beating dangerously fast as he walked towards the craft, got strapped in and went up. However, as soon as they were out of the Earth’s atmosphere, he calmed down and became completely normal.

Turns out, all he needed was a little space.

(Nov. 29 )

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved- ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers!” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Jerry started, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday……”

The first police officer turned to his partner and whispered, “Well, I’ve heard enough, we’re outta here!”

(Nov. 30 )

Can Flemish and Dutch people understand each other?

Two Flemish men are in Holland and see a poster: “Shirts – 5 Euros”.

They turn to each other and say, “Wow, that’s cheap. Let’s buy a dozen to resell them back in Belgium.”

They enter the store and say, in their best possible Dutch: “We would like 10 shirts, please.”

The man behind the counter answers, “Ah, I see that you’re Flemish.”

They reply: “Huh, how? Is our Dutch not that good?”

“No, you both speak it perfectly, but this is a dry cleaners.” came the reply.

(Dec. 1 )

Since we’re talking about Bowlers

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes,charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.

The brunette says, “What is going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!”

One of the blondes says, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”

( Dec 2 )

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!” she said.

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

(Dec 3 )

Just discovered the meaning of the Stockholm Syndrome.

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%. That’s quite encouraging, really, cuz now it appears,

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%…

( Dec 4 )

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious.

So he ordered an investigation into the matter. The investigator checked the problem out at several post offices and then reported it to the former President. The results revealed that there was nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp.

The problem was that people were spitting on the wrong side.

(Dec 5)

Four rednecks are out deer hunting.

After reaching the land where they will be hunting, they pair up and head in opposite directions.

At the end of the day Cletus and Billy Ray are walking back to the truck empty-handed when they see Bubba emerge from the forest alone, dragging a very large buck behind him.

“Where’s Junior?” Cletus asks Bubba.

“Oh, he’s still up in the deer stand,” Bubba replies. “He had a heart attack.”

“And you just left him there?” Billy Ray asks incredulously.

“Dang right I did!” Bubba says. “Ain’t no one gonna try an’ steal him!”

(Dec. 6)

A Great Classic is a classics for a reason.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?……

Because 7 eight 9!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Why does 10 suffer from PTSD?……

Because the poor SOB was right in the middle of 9/11.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I just got kicked out of my support group for those chronically depressed with PTSD.

We were trying to think up a group name,

but apparently ‘The Suicide Squad’ just isn’t considered appropriate.

( Dec. 7 )

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!” said the other.

“Now get a little closer together” said the cameraman.

Again “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE”.

So they wiggled up close to each other.

“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus the camera” said the photographer.

Yet again “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out “OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US?? CAN I BE FIRST?”

( Dec 8 )

The Smoking Motorbike Rider

I was driving on the motorway one day when a man on a motorcycle drew up alongside me. He gestured for me to wind my window down.

I looked at the speedometer and I was doing 100mph!

I wound the window down and the rider held out a cigarette saying, “Can you give me a light?”

Amazed I replied, “Are you mad? You’ll get yourself killed!”

To which the man replied, “No, NO, I only smoke one a day.”

( Dec. 9 )

Story about the Mating Season

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists’ camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear’s stomach… only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, “You know what this means, don’t you?”

“Of course,” the other ranger nodded, “The Czech is in the male.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

(Dec 10)

An avid bird watcher heard an owl hoot.

So he thought he’d give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversations.”

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

“My husband spends his nights calling to owls,” the wife commented.

“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If you liked this fine, but if not, well, I really don’t give a hoot!

( Dec, 11)

A lady goes to the dentist with a sore tooth.

The dentist looks and says, “You have a bad tooth! We are going to have to pull it”

“Ah Jesus!” The lady says, “I would rather be pregnant than have a tooth pulled!”

The dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I’ll have to adjust the chair.”

( Dec. 12)

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, “The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”

( friday the 13th, Dec,)

Hope to at least get a BIG SMILE when you read this!

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” he says.

He leaves the room and checks the suspect’s file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy…” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear”

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later.

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.

A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.

Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.

The young bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.

The consultant bull explained: “First of all.. stand 60 feet away from the wall. Then run at 60mph. Then jump at a 60° angle. Do what you want then come back the same way.”

The young bull asked: “But what if I mess up with the calculations and lose my Jewels in the barbed wires?”

The consultant bull said: “Then you become a consultant.”

( Dec 15)