The Comic Strip That Has A Finale Every Day by John "Scully" Scully for May 22, 2015

(Feb 1)

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques.

As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe and sits down and remarks, “Wow, that looked really fun! Can you tell me about your stunts?”

“Yeah, of course!” The Frenchman replies. “It’s called bungee jumping- all you need is 10 meters of sturdy rope and you’re set.”

The Moroccan is delighted to know that he doesn’t need any qualifications and goes to buy some sturdy rope from a nearby store. After his purchase, he climbs to the top of a mosque, tethers the rope to a secure fastener and jumps. But instead of bouncing up and down, he hits the ground at full speed and dies instantly.

The Moroccan police launch an investigation and detain the Frenchman and the store clerk. The police ask the Frenchman what he taught the Moroccan and the Frenchman says that he was precise in his measurements and doesn’t know how he could have died. “I swear, I told him to get only 10 meters of rope!” he exclaims.

“Oh, sh!t !” the clerk suddenly exclaims. “He did ask me for 10 meters of rope, but because I know his cousins, I gave him 3 extra meters for free!”

(Feb 2)

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: “Watch out for these guys; they’ve come to steal your land!”

(Feb 3)

A guy parks his bicycle outside the US capitol…

Security comes to him and says, “You can’t park your bike here. Don’t you know that Congressmen, Senators, Speaker, Vice President, foreign dignitaries, and even the President come here often?”

The guy says, “Oh don’t worry, I’ve chained my bike!”

(Feb 4)

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm,

the owner said, “If anyone jumps in, swims to the coast and survives , I’ll give you $ 1 million.”

No one dared to move. But suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

The owner announced, “We have a brave winner!”

After collecting his reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel. Upon arrival, the manager told him he was very brave to take the challenge.

The man said, “But I didn’t jump, someone pushed me!”

His wife smiled…

(( Moral: ′Behind every successful man, there’s a woman who encourages him forward’…))

Oh now Peter! You are loosing you audience.

(Feb 6)

On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, “Today we’re creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife.”

“Sir,” interjected an archangel, “aren’t you being overly generous to these Canadians?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll balance it out”, said God. “Wait ‘till you see the neighbours I’m giving them!”

(Feb 7)

Just lacking the prefix ‘gall’

Two recent college graduates walk into the men’s room at the same time.

They proceed to the urinals to relieve their bladders. When they finish one walks to the sink and washes his hands.

The other about to exit without washing his hands.

Sink guy, " At Harvard they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

Other guy, “At my college they taught us not to p!ss on our hands.”

(Feb 8)

The Poop Tale

Having a lot of time to kill, the man initiates a conversation with the woman, asking her about her religion and how God created the universe, etc.

“Well, first I’ve got a question for you”, said the woman.

“Cows eats grass, and their manure comes out pasty”, she said.

“But horses also eats grass, and their manure is drier”, she continued.

The man wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but he agreed with her statements.

“Finally, sheep eat grass as well, but their manure comes out as small pebbles.”

“So my question is this; they all eat the same thing, but their poop look completely different, why is this?”

The man looked confused, but thought about her question for a second or two.

“I honestly don’t know”, he answered.

To which she replied; “So, you’re expecting me to discuss some of the greatest mysteries of the universe, with someone who doesn’t know sh!t‽”

(Feb 9)

A cop pulls over a car swerving all over the road

After the cop tells the driver why he stopped him and asks for his license and registration, he notices an open, half-empty bottle sitting on the floor.

Cop: “Sir, what is that bottle between your feet?”

Driver (burping): “Uh, it’s a bottle of water officer.”

Cop: “I can see from here that it’s a bottle of red wine.”

Driver (shocked): “Oh my god, it is! Praise Jesus and his miracles!”

(Feb 10)

A Christmas Joke (…maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, “Are you going to put that tree up yourself?”

The guy replied, “Don’t be disgusting! I’m going to put it in the living room!”

(Feb 11)

Dr. Samuel Johnson, author of the first great dictionary of English language, was visited by a delegation of respectable ladies of London.

“Dr Johnson,” they said, “we congratulate you for omitting all indecent or obscene words from your dictionary.”

“Ladies,” said Dr. Johnson, “I congratulate you for looking them up.”

(Feb 12)

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

He hears them shout back, one at a time..

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Si.”

“Ja.”

(Feb 14)

Odor in the Comics!

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My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn’t smell good.

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What’s the difference between Humor and Odor?

Humor is a shift of wit.

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What do you get when you cross a policeman with a skunk?

Law and odor.

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What did the Judge say when the Lawyer farted?

Odor! Odor!

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What do you call the body odor from smoking Canabis that just wont go away?

An Elongated Musk.

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I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken.

It just had a sign on it that said “Out of Odor”.

(Feb 15)

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the Oregon coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent BALD EAGLE in the middle of the road.

When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

I suppose one could say it was a Tragic Case of Killing Two Stones with one Bird.

(Feb 16)

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

There lived a Jedi known as Luke Skywalker. Luke was a mighty warrior, and quite the ladies man.

His use of his ‘lightsaber’ attracted the eye of the beautiful Princess Leah. Luke wooed the Princess, and they fell in love.

All was great in the world, until Han Solo, the ex lover of Princess Leah, filled Luke in on a little secret. Princess Leah is Luke’s sister!

Luke was obviously distraught! Freaking out, he went to find his master, Obi Wan Kenobi.

Luke said to him, “Master Obi Wan! My beautiful wife is my sister! What do I do?!”

Master Kenobi, keeping his cool, looked his apprentice in the eye and said, “Luke, use divorce.”

(Feb 17)

One day, Mickey Mouse wakes up and found yellow graffiti written on the snow outside his house.

The graffiti wrote Mickey Sucks.

The police came, and they told Mickey, “There’s bad news and an even worse news.”

“Okay” says Mickey, “Give it to me straight.”

“The bad news is, the yellow stuff is Goofy’s pee.”

“And the worse news?” asked Mickey.

“The worse news is, it’s Minnie’s handwriting!”

(Feb 18)

About banana eaters

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs, which the seller understood.

One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with her.

Well if you don’t, let me explain…

Quite simply, it was because her husband could speak Spanish!

(Feb 19)

For a change, a genie appeared in front of a woman this time…

“Whatever you want, as many things as you want, just ask.” the genie said.

“My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours.”

“And then ..?”

“He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me.”

“And then?”

“He should never sleep without me by his side.”

“And then ..?”

“When he wakes up in the morning he should only see my face first.”

“And then ..?”

“He should not go anywhere without me.”

“And then ..?”

“If there is even a single scratch on me, he should go crazy with grief.”

“And then ..?”

“That’s it.”

And, bingo, the genie turned the woman into a smartphone!

(Feb 20)

An amputee woman was having a drink in a bar, when a man comes up and asks about her missing leg.

“Oh, it’s really quite an amazing story,” she said. “I used to love surfing! I rode waves all day and all night, rain or shine. One morning, after just an hour or so of surfing, a great white shark came and knocked me right off the board!”

The man, enthralled by her tale, leans in further.

The woman continued, “He had my leg in his mouth before I even knew what happened. By pure instinct, I started swatting at his eyes as well as I could while underwater. Then, as quickly as it attacked, it swam right away.”

“Wow!” the man exclaimed. “So how did you survive?”

“I was rescued by a fellow surfer, a man I would later fall in love with. Unfortunately,” she continued, with tears welling in her eyes, “he left me just yesterday.”

“What? But why?” he asked

“Well, it was all because I tried to tell him vaccines cause autism!”

“Oh, my,” said the man. “Anti-vaxxer, huh?” He looked down at her one leg. “Well, at least you aren’t a complete idiot!”

(Feb 21)

An Army general is standing before a vending machine on base, finding himself short on cash for a cold drink.

He sees a nearby soldier and asks him, “Do you have any spare change?”

The soldier replies, “Sure thing, man, I got a couple of quarters,” and digs into his pocket.

The general narrows his eyes angrily. “Excuse me, soldier, I am a three-star general in this man’s army! I demand to be treated with the proper respect, especially by a lowly enlisted man! I’m going to ask you again again, soldier, and this time, I expect you to address me as your superior! Now—do you have any spare change?”

The soldier jumps to attention, snaps off a crisp salute, and barks, “SIR! NO, I DO NOT, SIR!”

(Feb 22)

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, “You must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death.”

After some time, the French Canadian says, “My great grandfather died by sword while fighting for Quebec, I shall do the same to honor him.”

He takes a sword and impales himself. The natives take him away, skin him, and turn him into a canoe.

The English Canadian says, “My father gave me his pistol on his deathbed. I shall shoot myself in honor of him.”

He takes the gun and shoots himself. The natives take him away, skin him, and turn him into a canoe.

Awhile later, the Newfoundlander asks for a fork. Confused they give him a fork and he starts stabbing himself all over.

The natives scream out, “What are you doing?!”

The Newfie replies,

“You’s ain’t turnin me into no canoe!”

(Feb 23)

Researchers for the Western Australian Main Roads Department…

….found over 200 dead ravens and crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the birds, and confirmed that it was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.However, during the analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the ravens had been killed by trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The MRD then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The O.B quickly concluded that when ravens and crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck”.

(Feb 24)

A goosed-up story

A little boy was on the school bus after a day at school.

He was driving the bus driver driver crazy by talking about what he had learned about animals in class in a very loud and annoying voice.

He said, “If my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow, I’d be a calf! If my dad was a rooster and my mom was a hen, I’d be a little chick! If my dad was a gander and my mom was a goose, I’d be a gosling!”

Finally the bus driver loses it and snarls at the little boy, “If your dad was a blithering idiot and your mom was a freaking moron, what would that make you?”

(Feb 25)

A good swivel chair can be very expensive!

My wife was really peeved off at my impulse purchase of an expensive swivel chair, but then —she sat on it.

(Feb 26)

Best version of I’ll be Seeing You has to be by Jimmy Durante:

“Be kind to your dentist; he has fillings too.”

“Don’t take life too seriously; you’ll never get out of it alive.”

“Keep a smile on your face and a song in your heart, and you’ll never be too old to play the part.”

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”

“I always have a quotation for everything; it saves original thinking.”

“Be what you is, ’cause if you is what you ain’t, you ain’t what you is.”

“In this age of information, ignorance is a choice.”

“Good night, Mrs. Calabash.”

(Feb 27)

Meet the Onion family – (kind of a strange surname, but that’s the way it is)

The mother, father and daughter are out for a walk. They get to the streetlight at an intersection and as the walk sign lights up, they begin to cross but a careless driver catches the daughter onion and she rolls to the side of the road, horribly injured.

She is rushed to the hospital and after a few hours the doctor comes to the waiting room to speak to the parents: “Sir, ma’am, I have good news and bad news.”

“Okay, give it to us Doc, we want to know how she’s doing.” they asked

“Well,” says the doctor, “the good news is your daughter is going to live.”

The parents feel a huge relief, then ask for the bad news.

“The bad news is, she’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of her life.”

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I know it is most SAD, but I can’t go into it deeper without it bringing tears to your eyes !!

(Feb 28)

This PSA brought to you by me, an expert on the subject!

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Tea seems to be a very evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 a.m. at the local bar while my wife was at home just drinking her tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs.

On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.

Please friends, if you can’t handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please, for the sake of your poor husband, avoid drinking tea.