Broom Hilda by Russell Myers for September 15, 2010

Whew, you had me worried there for a moment, Irwin.

You’ll never make it as a film critic Irwin.

Oh, Irwin! You are such an Old Softy!

Nah, he just spouts off every hour or so.

Now you’ve done it - you’ve made Broomie sad, too.

Old Yeller was one of the saddest movies I ever saw!

I use Old Yeller to prove to women that I have feelings.

“What kind of sick doggie snuff film IS this?!?” – Phoebe, on “Friends”

I’ve never seen “Old Yeller”, and I never will. I hate movies where the dog dies.

“You want to hear about my remake of ‘Old Yeller’? In my version, the dog comes back to life!” – Steven Spielberg, in MAD Magazine’s “E.T.” parody.

I once owned a collection of literary-quality short stories (think New Yorker, not Boy’s Life) which all dealt with dogs. The stories were good, but in like 80% of them the dog died in the end. It was really depressing. As a result, though, I came up with my Generic All-Purpose Four-Line Dog Story:

I had a dog once. This dog was a pain in the ass. My dog died. That was the best dam’ dog I ever knew.

There was once a Sunday “Pearls Before Swine” strip where the crocodiles went to see Old Yeller, and at the end they were shouting, “Eat da dog! Eat da dog!”

Loved it.

Talk about gushing water.

I’ve been to Old Faithful, didn’t see any dogs…