Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for September 15, 2018

I’m sure there are a few things Rat did that could get Pig in the witness protection program.

I am sure there is an app for that somewhere.

I think my retired FBI grandfather (retired in 1974, passed away in 2007) would have a straight face at this.

Ah, finally trying to get away from living with Rat.

I think Pig thought they meant witless protection program.

Just sayin’.

Of course they crushed your hopes and dreams, Pig ; they work for the government.

Now he’ll never get the chance to be called Agent Swine.

We all want a new life.

A new life as bacon can work?

First you have to squeal like a Pig and rat out on Rat.

Pig keep trying……There has to be a government program for you somewhere !

Assemble a grand jury and indict Pig for not being a ham sandwich.

Used to be, pretty much anyone could request a copy of a birth certificate just by writing in for one. So the method of starting over was to go to a big city newspaper, search through the obituaries from around the time you were born for a baby that died within its first year, and getting a copy of their birth certificate. Use that to get a license, etc.

Much, much harder to do now.

Should have gone to U.S. Marshalls Service.

A government agency crushed your hopes and dreams? Why else do they exist? I mean, who across the country doesn’t have that same tale of woe when having to deal with their DMV?

Back when America still had a frontier, the possibility of escaping from one’s past and starting over was part of what helped define the national character. Sadly, the frontier disappeared a long time ago and, due mostly to WW2, the Cold War, and the panic following 9-11, Americans have eagerly accepted a surveillance state that would have made Erich Mielke proud.

The Witness Protection Program is administered by the U.S. Marshall Service, not the FBI.

Well if his life isn’t a crime, what it?

If you want to start a new life, Pig, join the circus. Oh, wait…..

I think Pig is looking for the Witless Protection Program.

I want to go into the Witness Protection Program.

Have you witnessed a crime?

Yes, I read Pearls Before Swine every day.

Damn, I wish it was that easy to get a new life.

Lig trying to live the dream.

And the Special Counsel won’t give you counselling either!

Pastis: considering there was no pun here, that is Darn funny!

Agent Moulder, you’re talking to a pig!

Ahh, Pig, Pig, Pig! If only it were that easy! You’ll just have to muddle along with Rat and do whatever Cartoon-Boy makes you do….

Just ask rat to commit a crime and then witness it. I’m sure he’d be more than happy to oblige.