My identical twin and I both wound up working for the same bar while we were at college.
At first, my boss thought it was cute to schedule us at the same time. Until the customers started making the joke, “I’m so drunk, I’m seeing double,” over. And over. And over. And over. To him.
After a couple of months of that, he couldn’t take it any longer and literally screamed at the customer making that joke at him. After that, he started scheduling our shifts with no overlap.
Please Place My Order In A Ring Of Himalayan Rock Salt, Moistened By The Tears Of Mourning Nuns…
Two customers sit down at the bar at around 10 PM.
Customer: Looking at our bar food menu. “Yo, get me the burger.”
Me: “You got it.”
Customer: “But I don’t want the bun; just put it on a bed of wild rice.”
I work at a BAR with food. Who has wild rice off menu, waiting to get ordered? Still, I try to be diplomatic.
Me: “We only have what’s on the menu, sir.”
Customer: “Well then, just have your baker whip us up something special.”
Customer’s Friend: “What the f*** is wrong with you? It’s 10 PM and this poor girl just wants to pour us some drinks and put in a food order that f****** exists! Order the burger and get it with bun or no bun. None of this wild rice or quinoa s***!”
The customer sheepishly orders just the burger (no bun), and his friend got a slightly stronger pour than usual…
I work the paint mixing counter at a large home improvement store. A customer approaches me and shows me a single photo of their messy and dirty living room.
Customer: “What color should I paint the wall?”
Me: “I’m just the paint mixer, ma’am. You need to choose the colors and I can mix them for you.”
Customer: “But you work in the paint section!”
Me: “I can tell you the difference between flat, matte, primer, and gloss. That’s it. I’m not an interior designer.”
Customer: “I thought you were the paint expert?”
Me: “I make $12.50 an hour. No “expert” would sink that low. Please come back to me when you’ve decided what color you’d like me to mix.”
The customer complained to a manager and said I should know how to choose paint colors for customers.
I now have swatches for these customers ready to go, including vomit green, diarrhea brown, and headache pink. If a customer pushes me for free interior design advice I will aim to get all three of these colors in the same room…
Yakety Sax 18 days ago
Double-Dipping On Dumb Drunk Jokes
My identical twin and I both wound up working for the same bar while we were at college.
At first, my boss thought it was cute to schedule us at the same time. Until the customers started making the joke, “I’m so drunk, I’m seeing double,” over. And over. And over. And over. To him.
After a couple of months of that, he couldn’t take it any longer and literally screamed at the customer making that joke at him. After that, he started scheduling our shifts with no overlap.
Yakety Sax 18 days ago
Please Place My Order In A Ring Of Himalayan Rock Salt, Moistened By The Tears Of Mourning Nuns…
Two customers sit down at the bar at around 10 PM.
Customer: Looking at our bar food menu. “Yo, get me the burger.”
Me: “You got it.”
Customer: “But I don’t want the bun; just put it on a bed of wild rice.”
I work at a BAR with food. Who has wild rice off menu, waiting to get ordered? Still, I try to be diplomatic.
Me: “We only have what’s on the menu, sir.”
Customer: “Well then, just have your baker whip us up something special.”
Customer’s Friend: “What the f*** is wrong with you? It’s 10 PM and this poor girl just wants to pour us some drinks and put in a food order that f****** exists! Order the burger and get it with bun or no bun. None of this wild rice or quinoa s***!”
The customer sheepishly orders just the burger (no bun), and his friend got a slightly stronger pour than usual…
Yakety Sax 18 days ago
Just Another Dog Doodoo Afternoon
I work in a large big box store. A customer with a little dog comes up to me at the service desk.
Customer: “Just letting you know that my dog made a bit of a stinky mess in aisle twelve.”
I hand them some paper towels.
Me: “Here you go.”
Customer: “You’re… you’re expecting me to clean it up?”
Me: “Your dog, your mess.”
Customer: “That’s so rude!”
Me: “I don’t see how.”
Customer: “I was doing something nice by telling you where it was! Next time I won’t even bother!” Storms out.
I sigh and head over to aisle twelve. It was amazing to me how that much came out of one little dog…
Yakety Sax 18 days ago
Fromagilla
Customer: “Excuse me, we would like something else.”
Me: “Okay, no problem; was something wrong with your food?”
Customer: “Yeah, our quesadilla was too cheesy.”
Me: “Your quesadilla was too cheesy?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “The quesa … dilla?”
Customer: “Yes! Why do you keep saying it like that?
Me: “You know queso is cheese, right?”
Customer: “I don’t speak French.”
Me: “… anyhoooooo , what can I get you?”
Yakety Sax 18 days ago
Do Not Color Me Impressed
I work the paint mixing counter at a large home improvement store. A customer approaches me and shows me a single photo of their messy and dirty living room.
Customer: “What color should I paint the wall?”
Me: “I’m just the paint mixer, ma’am. You need to choose the colors and I can mix them for you.”
Customer: “But you work in the paint section!”
Me: “I can tell you the difference between flat, matte, primer, and gloss. That’s it. I’m not an interior designer.”
Customer: “I thought you were the paint expert?”
Me: “I make $12.50 an hour. No “expert” would sink that low. Please come back to me when you’ve decided what color you’d like me to mix.”
The customer complained to a manager and said I should know how to choose paint colors for customers.
I now have swatches for these customers ready to go, including vomit green, diarrhea brown, and headache pink. If a customer pushes me for free interior design advice I will aim to get all three of these colors in the same room…
jmworacle 18 days ago
Me, I prefer a good sangria. Hold the citrus.
silberdistel 18 days ago
Bad strip. Very bad! No “smile” here from me.
Daltongang Premium Member 18 days ago
Well Aunty, that’s been your goal for the last 30 years.
Nothing here to see folks, Move along, Move along.
exness Premium Member 18 days ago
Can I join you?
Sonny 18 days ago
Need to sterilize the ice.
ladykat 18 days ago
Spiced rum or Irish whisky for me, please.
cuzinron47 18 days ago
I’m sure you won’t limit yourself to vodka.
assrdood 18 days ago
I’m assrdood and I approve this message!
Smeagol 18 days ago
I was actually thinking of adding Bailey’s to my coffee to start my day;)
cactusbob333 18 days ago
An ice cube float, as are most cold drinks.
rockyridge1977 18 days ago
……hold the ice!!!!!