Free Range by Bill Whitehead for May 25, 2012

They were kind of cracked.

A priest, a rabbi and a monkey walked into a bar….

Why there are ten commandments:

Yahweh went to Egypt and said, “Hey Pharaoh, have I got a commandment for you!”

Pharaoh said, “Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Thou shalt have no other gods but me.”

“Are you kidding? Polytheism is the soul of our society! Ra and Set would be very PO’d if we abandoned them. Get out of here!”

Yahweh went to Babylon and said, “Hey Nebuchadnezzar, have I got a commandment for you!”

Nebuchadnezzar said, “Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

“Are you kidding? The temple courtesans are the revered priestesses of our society! Get out of here!”

Yahweh was brooding in the desert and a ragtag bunch of wanderers showed up. He said, “Hey Moses, have I got a commandment for you!”

Moses said, “Oh yeah? How much do they cost?”

“They’re free.”

“Great! I’ll take ten!”

Here’s yet another take on the list, by Ambrose Bierce from The Devil’s Dictionary:DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number—just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian:Thou shalt no God but me adore:‘Twere too expensive to have more.No images nor idols makeFor Robert Ingersoll to break.Take not God’s name in vain; selectA time when it will have effect.Work not on Sabbath days at all,But go to see the teams play ball.Honor thy parents. That createsFor life insurance lower rates.Kill not, abet not those who kill;Thou shalt not pay thy butcher’s bill.Kiss not thy neighbor’s wife, unlessThine own thy neighbor doth caress.Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus competeSuccessfully in business. Cheat.Bear not false witness—that is low—But “hear ’tis rumored so and so.”Cover thou naught that thou hast notBy hook or crook, or somehow, got.G.J.

When Moses broke the stone tablets, he thus broke every commandment there was.

0:)

Hi fana!