Pesach is quickly approaching, and I want to wish all my Jewish friends a Kosher Passover. With that, I offer one of my favorite Jewish jokes which, unlike “Taste the Soup,” actually does need a Jew in it. May your matzoh be tolerable!
The following joke is told often but not well. I’ll do my best:
One day, many years ago, the Pope decides he wants all the Jews out of Rome, so he tells the Chief Rabbi. The Rabbi says, “You can’t do that to us! You at least have to give us a chance to stay.” So the Pope agrees they’ll have a debate over it. However, due to language differences, the debate will be held entirely in sign language. The Rabbi reluctantly agrees to the terms, and the next day, they meet just outside The Vatican.
The Pope begins by waving one arm over his head; the Rabbi points to the ground.
Next, the Pope holds up three fingers. The Rabbi holds his index finger up, and twists it.
Finally, the Pope takes a chalice and bread from the folds of his robe. The Rabbi pulls out an apple. The Pope declares the debate is over, and that the Rabbi has won.
Back at the Vatican, the Catholics ask the Pope, “what happened?”
“Well,” the Pope answers, “First I told the Rabbi that God rules all the Heavens. But he responded by telling me Satan still rules the Earth. Then I told him the Trinity rules all, but he countered by reminding me that, in the end, there is still but one God. So I took out the Sacraments to remind him of our Savior’s sacrifice, but he countered even that by reminding me of original sin, as represented by his apple. So the Jews may remain!”
Over on the other side of town, the Jews want to know what happened. “Well,” the Chief Rabbi explained, “The Pope first waved his hands over his head, telling me ‘We Catholics own all of this, and you Jews must leave! So I pointed to the ground to tell him, ’We Jews are staying right here!’ Then he held up three fingers to tell me ‘You Jews have three days to get out of Rome!’ And of course I replied, we
A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals’ aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either profoundly disturbed or extremely stupid". The Zookeeper explained that the animal was neither, saying , " Last week someone fed him a peach and he couldn’t pass the pit. Now he measures everything first!".
Take care, may proud but wary hammer collector Joe “She Hasn’t Found The Rolling Pin And I Keep My Hammers Locked Up” Henpeckectord be with you, and gesundheit.
I have an earlier version of the margarita one (several years old) in my wallet. Except for the restaurant where it’s made, it’s the same. I’ve asked many bar tenders here in the USA if they could make me one. I’m glad they all said “No”!
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave says, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
Dave says, “Let’s try it! ”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave says, “I feel great, how about you?”
Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
“No!” Says Dave. “That jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often…”
Jim cuts him off. “Yeah, well there’s just one thing.”
The Disneyland song "It’s A Small World(After ALL) has just been named by The Library of Congress as a songso culturally significant it will be enshrined there.
Vladdie Putin would do well to remember jokes like this before he messes with Finland:
Russia is invading Finland. During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.
They hear a voice shouting: “One Fin can beat ten Russians!”
The General laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after a while silence comes and none of the Russians return.
The voice speaks once again saying: “One Fin can beat 100 Russians!”
The General is a little upset by now and sends 150 of his troops over the hill. Once again there is a lot of noise and shooting and once again none of the Russians return.
The voice speaks again: “One Fin can beat 1000 Russians!”
The General is fuming and sends 1000 of his best men. The noise and shooting lasts way longer this time and as silence settles once again one Russian comes crawling back over the hill bleeding from a series of serious wound.
He says: “I beg you, Comrade General, don’t send any more troops, it’s a trap! There are two of them!”
eromlig almost 3 years ago
Pesach is quickly approaching, and I want to wish all my Jewish friends a Kosher Passover. With that, I offer one of my favorite Jewish jokes which, unlike “Taste the Soup,” actually does need a Jew in it. May your matzoh be tolerable!
The following joke is told often but not well. I’ll do my best:
One day, many years ago, the Pope decides he wants all the Jews out of Rome, so he tells the Chief Rabbi. The Rabbi says, “You can’t do that to us! You at least have to give us a chance to stay.” So the Pope agrees they’ll have a debate over it. However, due to language differences, the debate will be held entirely in sign language. The Rabbi reluctantly agrees to the terms, and the next day, they meet just outside The Vatican.
The Pope begins by waving one arm over his head; the Rabbi points to the ground.
Next, the Pope holds up three fingers. The Rabbi holds his index finger up, and twists it.
Finally, the Pope takes a chalice and bread from the folds of his robe. The Rabbi pulls out an apple. The Pope declares the debate is over, and that the Rabbi has won.
Back at the Vatican, the Catholics ask the Pope, “what happened?”
“Well,” the Pope answers, “First I told the Rabbi that God rules all the Heavens. But he responded by telling me Satan still rules the Earth. Then I told him the Trinity rules all, but he countered by reminding me that, in the end, there is still but one God. So I took out the Sacraments to remind him of our Savior’s sacrifice, but he countered even that by reminding me of original sin, as represented by his apple. So the Jews may remain!”
Over on the other side of town, the Jews want to know what happened. “Well,” the Chief Rabbi explained, “The Pope first waved his hands over his head, telling me ‘We Catholics own all of this, and you Jews must leave! So I pointed to the ground to tell him, ’We Jews are staying right here!’ Then he held up three fingers to tell me ‘You Jews have three days to get out of Rome!’ And of course I replied, we
eromlig almost 3 years ago
we were here FIRST, and you can sit on THIS!”
“OK,” says his audience. “But then what?”
“I don’t know,” the Rabbi admitted. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”
eromlig almost 3 years ago
If those nails cost even a penny apiece — and I’m pretty sure they cost more — that’s a $200 bill, not one hundred.
Caldonia almost 3 years ago
Eh, that’s not a bad idea. Let’s make it possible to ski in the southern states. I don’t like flying.
Bilan almost 3 years ago
It would be nice if Lesotho used the money for schools and poverty instead of that ski run.
Templo S.U.D. almost 3 years ago
I s’pose you wouldn’t find any Jews ordering that Tasmanian beverage; doesn’t seem kashrut.
billcor almost 3 years ago
20000 nails for $100
MY DOG IS MY CO PILOT almost 3 years ago
A video on how the nail art was created is here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAjnbz43uJI
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 3 years ago
This is about a smart monkey.
A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals’ aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either profoundly disturbed or extremely stupid". The Zookeeper explained that the animal was neither, saying , " Last week someone fed him a peach and he couldn’t pass the pit. Now he measures everything first!".
Until next time.
therese_callahan2002 almost 3 years ago
About those margaritas, some people claim there’s a woman to blame.
Huckleberry Hiroshima almost 3 years ago
Oh those crazy little devils in Tasmania.
Take care, may proud but wary hammer collector Joe “She Hasn’t Found The Rolling Pin And I Keep My Hammers Locked Up” Henpeckectord be with you, and gesundheit.
Nala the Great almost 3 years ago
I have an earlier version of the margarita one (several years old) in my wallet. Except for the restaurant where it’s made, it’s the same. I’ve asked many bar tenders here in the USA if they could make me one. I’m glad they all said “No”!
FassEddie almost 3 years ago
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave says, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
Dave says, “Let’s try it! ”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave says, “I feel great, how about you?”
Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
“No!” Says Dave. “That jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often…”
Jim cuts him off. “Yeah, well there’s just one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Have you farted yet?”
“No.”
“Well, DON’T – ‘cause I’m in Tasmania!”
198.23.5.11 almost 3 years ago
The Disneyland song "It’s A Small World(After ALL) has just been named by The Library of Congress as a songso culturally significant it will be enshrined there.
Will E. Makeit Premium Member almost 3 years ago
man-made snow in the desert…how dare you…
poppacapsmokeblower almost 3 years ago
At two cents per nail he nailed the hundred dollars.
ronaldspence almost 3 years ago
that drink brings new meaning to the phrase, “keep an eye out for me”
stamps almost 3 years ago
Talk about giving someone the stink-eye. Wow!
Binky almost 3 years ago
Wonder how many people would even order a black margarita with that hideous garnish… YUCKY!
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 3 years ago
Vladdie Putin would do well to remember jokes like this before he messes with Finland:
Russia is invading Finland. During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.
They hear a voice shouting: “One Fin can beat ten Russians!”
The General laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after a while silence comes and none of the Russians return.
The voice speaks once again saying: “One Fin can beat 100 Russians!”
The General is a little upset by now and sends 150 of his troops over the hill. Once again there is a lot of noise and shooting and once again none of the Russians return.
The voice speaks again: “One Fin can beat 1000 Russians!”
The General is fuming and sends 1000 of his best men. The noise and shooting lasts way longer this time and as silence settles once again one Russian comes crawling back over the hill bleeding from a series of serious wound.
He says: “I beg you, Comrade General, don’t send any more troops, it’s a trap! There are two of them!”
Until next time.
schaefer jim almost 3 years ago
I am not jewish, so where is the humor?
JohnShirley1 almost 3 years ago
was the first half of that joke there yesterday? It’s not there today…what the heck
moondog42 Premium Member almost 3 years ago
“Hey check it out! I spent $800+ to make a nail sculpture of a $100 bill!”
cactusbob333 almost 3 years ago
What you hear as you lift that Margarita to your lips: “Here’s looking at you, kid.”
Running Buffalo Premium Member almost 3 years ago
The margarita …
https://www.sbs.com.au/food/article/2018/06/27/bar-you-can-order-pigs-eye-margarita-and-interactive-artworks-menu
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 3 years ago
Another joke about Finnish/Soviet relations
Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after World War II.
A British general asked him how many Russian troops were still stationed in Finland.
“A few hundred thousand” answered Ehrnrooth.
“Where in Finland are they stationed?” The British general asked.
Ehrnrooth answered: “Two meters underground around the border.”
Until next time.
ripley's believe it or not almost 3 years ago
Top Left-Gross!Bottom- He sure did nail it!
magicfever495 almost 3 years ago
To all gocomics fans, May you all have a Blessed and Happy Easter
Felix Raven almost 3 years ago
Is there a difference between feral pig and wild hog or boar? I never heard the “feral pig” description.
pbr50138 almost 3 years ago
One question about the eyeball drink…WHY???