Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for April 13, 2002

Transcript:

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling Presents: News of the Times Rosie to Tom: "I'm Gay. Serve Me Lemonade." Rosie O'Donnell stunned the world and revolutionized our understanding of sexual identity when she recently made her shocking DUAL admission: Rosie: I'm GAY. And I want TOM CRUISE to serve me lemonade! Dr. Sven Davis, Fructologist Sven: We know that sexual orientation has TWO distinct components: psychosexual bonding, and celebrity citrus-beverage service. Religious conservatives are baffled. Pat Robertson: We condemn Ms. O'Donnell's homosexual lifestyle. But we applaud her opposite-sex choice of movie star drink-valet. Americans are coming to terms with this new dimension of sexual identity... Teenager: Mom, Dad, I'm STRAIGHT. But I'd like KELLY PRESTON to serve me lemonade. ...at times, with heartbreaking results. Wife: HAL! What's going on...? Oh my God! VAL KILMER! I loved you in "Real Geinus"! Of course, with new sub-divisions of sexual identity come new political action groups. Man: We're here! We're queer! We want Charlize Theron to serve us lemonade! Get used to it! What has Rosie wrought? A sexual landscape that grows more confusing every day. Man: I'm gay...but I want GRAPEFRUIT JUICE served to me by...ELLEN DeGENERES!