Andy Capp by Reg Smythe for April 15, 2024

I guess Andy drinks so he won’t pierre!

Pardon My French But C’est Hilarant!

My husband and I are on a walking holiday in the middle of nowhere in France, picked because it’s literally the cheapest break we could come up with during a time of extreme stress. Every penny counts to us at this time.

One day, it becomes clear that we’ve walked much too far and simply don’t have the energy to walk all the back to the town we’re staying in.

Then, we spot a tiny rural railway station… but we don’t have tickets. There’s no machine. There is, however, someone on duty in the railway station.

I don’t speak French. My husband learned it in school in England in the 1960s but has never used it since. We have a discount card, and the journey would ideally involve a switch to a tram in the town, which you can buy as an add-on to the ticket price for a big discount.

He thinks it’s worth trying.

In slow, imperfect, schoolboy French, he explains this to the booking clerk.

The booking clerk slowly and carefully runs through the options in French: the prices, where to change trains, how to validate the tickets on both the train and the tram, and all we need to know.

In the end, my husband is really proud of himself for how much he was able to make himself understood and how much he was able to understand. He takes the tickets and hesitatingly says:

Husband: “Merci monsieur pour… your… aide. Je suis désolé pour… my… français. Merci de le… uh, support?”

The clerk responds, in English with a clear West Midlands accent:

Clerk: “It was very good, and I thought you’d like the practice. I’m from Coventry.”

I think I fell in love with the guy, just a bit.

(For non-Brits, Coventry is a city in the West Midlands of England.)

“Achetez moi un boit!”

nice try Andy – now work on that beer smell …. and the “R”

He perfected his French accent by watching episodes of Allo Allo.

Pardon his French.

Don’t even try Andy.

Actually, if this is taking place in the evening like I assume, it would be “Bonsoir mesdames, Comment allez-vous?” Bonjour is only used in the daytime.

Kermit and Gary beckon.

Parlay voo le porn?

Hast du einen ze Duetsch?

Andy’s accent probably tips them off.

Fake is something not genuine but ANDY is pure 100% GENUINE FAKE! Got to admire him for trying. Wee pee?

Andy channels a French pirate. Who duh thunkit?

Suave

Fail, Andy.

Is he asking them to buy a round in french?

No one is more accomplished at murdering the French language than the Brits! Even the Yanks have better accents.

I shouldn’t brag, because many French – Parisians particularly, – cannot, or will not understand my French … and it used to be my second language!

The fault is that although I read and write modern French easily, my speech and accent would be more akin to 17th-century France rather than the 21st century.

I learned as a child and still speak Québécois French! To add to this corruption of the belle langue, I’ve acquired a healthy dose of Cajun to pepper my speech with.

No wonder the Parisian Francophiles hate me!

No wonder women swoon over Inspector Clouseau…..

The word is mesdames. And throwing in a “comment allez-vous” will help.

The accent is a bit off, so is the handsome and irresistible.

Hmmm, this is not believable at all. Flirting with these women would involve offering to buy them a round. That ain’t gonna happen. But hope springs eternal that he can get them to buy him a pint.

Oui, oui!

Their faces are killing me.

xxx

Sacre bleu!

Les deux dames certainly got lips for French kissing

The French Normans did rule England for a period beginning in 1066 AD, so it’s vaguely possible Andy has some French blood in his family tree, emphasis on vaguely more than possible.