The Argyle Sweater by Scott Hilburn for April 19, 2013

Rolled newspapers don’t whack dogs, humans do.

You’ve been hangin’ on to it, and I sure do gotta… uh, go.

one with charmin, make it $25

This is why you can no longer get coffee table size magazines like LIFE or LOOK. Nobody needs a magazine that big.

Rolled up papers were bad enough; my master reads the news ONLINE. Ever been whacked with a monitor?

Let the good Times roll.

A concealed carry permit requires registration at City Hall, and costs another $40… plus $2,700 for the pocket installation surgery.

So…were these dogs paper trained?

And he can’t sell you the Saturday night special edition.

Brought to you by yhe National Paper Association

If he wants extra magazines, the government will do a background check — canine agents will do a thorough butt sniffing.

Does Mr. Peabody want it as protection against Sherman?

Does National Geographic count as a large capacity magazine?

For alittle extra he could get the Saturday Night Special.“THE ONION”

I carry concealed. Readers Digest, with covers removed for fast draw.

What about his background check fees to the A.K.C.?

Let your owner roll his own.

Only bad dogs have them already.

“From my cold, dead hands.”

Sounds funny but Ian Fleming, in his original James Bond books wrote about how a British commando could kill a man with a, rolled up magazine. Fleming was in intelligence in World War II and knew what he was talking about. Try that with an iPad!