Speed Bump by Dave Coverly for June 10, 2023

I was talking to a Hospitalist the other day who told me that his contract with the hospital includes so many possible bonuses, for discharging a patient earlier than projected, for instance, or for ordering less expensive procedures or drugs, or … well, he said it was so complex that he just gave up thinking about it and does his best to make sure the patients get as well as possible without worrying about the pay scale.

You can discharge me anytime you want to doc. Oh by the way i won’t be visiting the gift shop.

That would sound like a threat to the Energizer bunny.

It’s funny that it takes hours to be discharged after they tell you you are discharged. I think the hospital executives have an ad hoc meeting and try to add as much as they can to your bill…….

I was in the ER for a small issue and was told I’d be discharged within two hours. I replied that if someone wasn’t in to disconnect the IV within 5 minutes, I would do it myself and leave against medical advice. They did it my way and I called a cab. I have no idea what that mindset is about.

I’m still slightly amazed that my mastectomy was day surgery. In at 6:00 a.m., home by 2:00 p.m..

If the hospital did what museums do, all exits would automatically lead you through the gift shop.

“ I had appendicitis and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

“… and here’s a list of what I’d like you to get me from the Gift Shop as a Thank You.”

And if you’re an employee, make sure to visit the coffee shop so the hospital can take back some of your paycheck. Happens every day.

Buy one get one free on Advil.

I hope they still have that teddy bear with the rectal thermometer!

Before he leaves, they will add discharge, datcharge, and another charge to his bill.

Get some Jello at the cafeteria on your way out.

The problem is now he’s too broke to buy anything at the gift shop.

John Moore has written several comic fantasy novels I quite like. They’re sort of classic sword & sorcery settings with modern sensibilities and genre-savvy characters. In Heroics for Beginners, the main characters are trapped in the castle of Evil Overlord Lord Voltmeter (“he who must be named”—don’t use pronouns), which is also a tourist attraction, and are trying to escape. After several tries at various secret passages, they discover that the only way out of the castle is through the Gift Shop.

A bigger truth has never been spoken…

And the cafeteria has some leftover egg-salad sandwiches they marked down by 50%