Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for October 26, 2024

When You’re Too Rich To Enjoy The Best Part

I work at a high-end buffet in Vegas. You get sat, are told to wait, I come up and greet you, explain our offerings, go over the drink menu, take a drink order, and then inform you to help yourself while I get the drinks.

As I step away to get the table their drinks, I hear a kid at the table – about eight years old or so – say:

Kid: “So I have to get my own food?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Kid: “I told you we should have brought Michael with us.”

Mom: “No! I told you before, we’re not bringing our butler on vacation.”

All Signs Point To That Last One

I work at a grocery store in the deli. My coworker and I are both serving customers. My coworker’s customer says:

Customer: “What are the sale items?”

Coworker: Pointing. “Every item with a yellow sign is on special.”

Customer: “I have no time to look at signs! You need to tell me all the sales.”

Coworker: “Uh, that’s almost a hundred items, ma’am.”

Customer: “I didn’t ask how many there are, I asked what the sales are!”

My coworker, young and new, leans over so she can read the signs and actually starts reading them out. The customer I am currently serving starts speaking to my coworker’s customer:

Other Customer: “Are you illiterate?”

Customer: “What?! Of course not!”

Other Customer: “And those glasses you’re wearing? They allow you to see?”

Customer: “Why are you asking me all these questions?”

Other Customer: “I was just hoping that you had bad eyesight because that means the only reason you can’t see the signs is because your head must be too far up your a**.”

The customer’s eyes go wide and she looks at us both, almost in a “are you going to let her talk to me like that” kinda way. When we do or say nothing, she just scoffs at us all and storms off.

My customer got a few extra ounces of ham for free that day!

They Are In The Lower Percentile, Part 4

My customer has a coupon for 10% off their purchase.

Customer: “Is it 10% off the total or 10% off each item?”

Me: “It’s the same thing either way.”

Customer: “How? If I get it on each item, then it’s lots of 10% discounts instead of just one!”

Me: “10% discount on the total is the same as 10% discount on each item.”

Customer: “I think you’re just trying to get me to spend more money! Where’s your manager?”

I call my manager on the phone at my register and explain.

Manager: “You’re new so remember this. Customers are idiots. Just tell them whichever one gives the biggest discount is the one you’re gonna give them. Should keep them happy. You got this!” Click.

Me: To the customer. “Uh… he’s authorized me to give you 10% discount off each item.”

Customer: “See! I knew I could do that!”

The customer smugly walks out with their 10% per item discount, instead of the 10% off the grand total…

Dude… Where’s My Dress?

I work in a bridal store. As well as bride and bridesmaids’ dresses we also attire men for weddings. I get a call from a gentleman:

Caller: “Hi, yeah, my fiancée is getting her dress done with you as well as her bridesmaids. She mentioned you do stuff for the fellas too?”

Me: “Yes, we do!”

Caller: “Great! I’m not too familiar with all this stuff. You do the stuff for the groom and the… uh… dudesmaids?”

Me: Trying not to laugh. “The groomsmen, yes.”

I put him down for an appointment, plus his four dudesmaids.

Will The Real Madonna Manson Please Stand Up?

Back in the days when office cubicles were ubiquitous, my colleagues in surrounding cubicles never learned that their individual cubes weren’t soundproof.

I overheard a manager walk into my neighboring coworker’s cube.

Manager: “So, how did the meeting with Human Resources go?”

Coworker: “Oh, I was able to clear that up. [Office Manager] got a bit confused when she accused me.”

Manager: “I heard what she said. How could she be that confused?”

Coworker: “She confused Madonna with Marilyn Monroe, then she confused Marilyn Monroe with Marilyn Manson, and then she confused him with Charles Manson.”

Now I really want to know what [Coworker] was accused of!

If You Don’t Help The Help, The Help Won’t Help You

I am a contractor, building storage cabinets in someone’s garage. I knocked on the door to the house.

Client: “What’s the problem?”

Me: “No problem, I just needed to use the restroom.”

Client: “We don’t allow the help to use our bathrooms. There’s a gas station down the street.” Closes door.

I went to the gas station alright, after I packed all my tools and didn’t come back. I called my manager and told him what went down. When she called my office and complained to the manager he told her we were cancelling the job. She couldn’t understand that she was in the wrong here…

ADH-Don’t Be Like This

We are interviewing for some entry-level positions in our office. We are finishing up with a potential candidate.

Interviewer: “So, did you have any questions for us?”

Candidate: “Not so much questions, but just some points to make things clear about when you hire me.”

“When” we hire her, not “if”.

Candidate: “I have ADHD, so you will need to make some accommodations for me. I cannot be expected to be at work at a specific time; you need to let me go with my own flow. If I can’t finish the task by a certain time, you need to accept that, too. I can’t help it, and if you fire me because of it, that’s discrimination. I also have an emotional support cat that I will need to bring with me to the office. I know you said your office doesn’t allow pets, but she’s not a pet, she’s an emotional support animal. I also have a list of triggers that can affect me and my condition. I will email you that list, and I will expect everyone in the office to read it.”

Interviewer: Amazingly deadpan “Is there anything else?”

Candidate: All smiles “No, that should be everything!”

She emailed us back a few weeks later asking why she had not received a start date. When she was then told that she had not gotten the job, she accused us of discrimination and said she would report us.

Whoever she reported us to must not be good with deadlines because they haven’t got back to us yet!

Good idea.

Sorry, brown is just not a good color for me.

Ged gets away with using a lot of “stock” figures of Aunty. We’ve seen this pose before.

There is nothing wrong with this. As a programmer, I often reuse code.

Mark a spot Aunty – you’re all As*.

Aunty, we would never talk about you behind your back. It’s too much fun to just say it to your face.

As is said, if one is talking about me, they are leaving someone else alone. I am ok with that.

Good idea, Aunty!

I’d rather use my foot.

There is a reason my immediate circle is small, those outside of it can k m a.

Yowza, Aunty!

there is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about

oscar wilde ☺

That was a joke from 1st grade.

Sorry……takes too much time!!!!