Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for March 14, 2025

Wondering if this is a repeat because of the date.

This Conversation Has Gone To The Dogs, Part 2

Caller: “I need you to resend [order].”

Me: “I can see that the item arrived on time, sir. Did you not receive it?”

Caller: “I did but the post office left it on my porch and my dog ripped it open and destroyed it!”

Me: “That’s frustrating, but it’s not the fault of our company.”

Caller: “It’s not mine either!”

What I say next, I say without thinking.

Me: “So your dog owes you a replacement, then?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Maybe you should take it up with the post office, sir?”

Caller: “You just made me sound ridiculous!” Click.

What’s That In Wingspans Of An American Bald Eagle?

I’m taking some tourists, mostly Americans, on a boat tour around some scenic tropical spots around the area.

Me: “Okay, so this is where you can find some great snorkelling. I’d advise you not to go too far from the boat, but if some of you are a bit more adventurous, there’s a grotto right there—” Points “—where you can swim into. It’s named Thunderball Grotto because they filmed a James Bond movie there.”

Tourist: “How far away is that?”

Me: “It’s about thirty meters.”

Tourist: “…How far away is that?”

He’s not even looking.

Tourist’s Son: “It’s about six or seven John Deere tractors.”

Tourist: “Ah, good. I can swim that.”

They get out and swim towards the grotto, having proven once again that Americans will measure anything using literally anything except the metric system.

Unpicturesque Priorities

My brother and his fiancée were getting ready for their wedding and were checking out wedding photographers. They were interviewing one of the candidates.

Photographer: “…and quality photography is such a crucial part of your wedding. Because really, when your big day is over, what else do you have left of it?”

[Brother] and [Fiancée] paused and looked at each other for a moment.

Brother: “…the marriage .“

They picked a different photographer.

Coming Within Ten Feet Of Me Today Is A Risk

I am standing in the lawn and garden department. My dog has recently passed away (old age), so I am low on patience for typical customer BS.

Customer: “Where are your folding chairs?”

He is standing literally ten feet from an entire wall covered in folding chairs. I point them out.

Me: “They’re right there, sir.”

Customer: Mutters loud enough for me to hear. “Not even going to walk me over to them, I guess.”

Me: “Are you afraid you might get lost on the way?”

She’s A Human Being, Not A Wonderball!

I knew a guy from a country that was apparently conservative to the point where things like labor and birth weren’t discussed much. He had absolutely no idea how it worked. He knew the fun guy part of the process, but the ugly details about giving birth were women’s things that men didn’t need to be — and should not be — present for. (I’m also male.)

We discovered this when [Guy] watched a movie with me that had a delivery scene in it. He was very confused to see the doctor pull a baby out from underneath a towel tastefully concealing the supposed birth.

Guy: “Wait, how did he get the baby out? Where’s the knife?”

Me: “Um, giving birth usually doesn’t require a knife, unless something went wrong. Then they do a C-section.”

Guy: “But then how did the baby get out?”

I had to pause to think about how to delicately explain this to a grown man.

Me: “Well, the baby comes out the same way it went in.”

I have never seen someone cycle through pensiveness, realization, disgust, and shock so quickly. We ended up with an impromptu biology lesson, supplemented with the Internet and pictures. [Guy] experienced a mix of horrified disgust and morbid fascination. On the plus side, he was listening and learning, so here’s hoping.

That Was Amaizeing

A customer is building their sandwich and we get to the salads.

Customer: “I’ll take the yellow beans.”

Me: “Uh… can you point to it?”

Customer: Points. “The yellow beans! Right there!”

Me: “That’s corn.”

Customer: “Don’t be stupid! Corn is what you eat in the movie theater!”

Same for cats. Achilles was stomping on me this AM, demanding treats.

But think of all the love and loyalty you get in return.

The same is true for cats. They yammermeow until my husband goes out and gives them the wet cat food they want. I don’t feed them that since it’s gross and disgusting and smelly. They have dry cat food any time they want it so they won’t go hungry.

or a dog that has to go out

You can pretty much set your watch by our dog’s stomach.

Put him on a different schedule!!!

Or on a cat!

Once again this comic is somewhat dated. I guess nobody is moderating these anymore.

From Pets Radar web page: International Dog Day celebrates all dogs, mixed breed and pure, and its mission is two-fold. Firstly, the day looks to spotlight the number of dogs looking to be rescued each year. The event strongly discourages buying dogs from pet stores supplied by puppy farms, backyard breeders, the internet or newspaper ads. Rather, International Dog Day is all about adoption first from local shelters or adoption drives from large chain pet stores.

Or a cat, either. Ours jumps on the foot of the bed, races to the top and onto the headboard. Then when you sit up, he jumps down onto the foot of the bed and runs off. If you don’t get up and feed him, he will repeat the whole process in a minute or two.