Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for March 22, 2025

oh… you will after botox!

Botoxic Sale Technique

(I’m 11 years old, and at the dermatologist to get a wart frozen off my hand. My mom and I are making a follow-up appointment with the receptionist.)

Receptionist: “Oh, before you go, you can have this!”

(She hands me a coupon for a Botox treatment.)

Me: “Uh, I don’t really think I want this…”

Receptionist: “No, it’s great! I’ve had it done there a couple times and it doesn’t hurt or anything!”

(She gestures to her face, which had been creeping me out already because I’d never seen somebody look so much like a live Barbie doll.)

Me: “But it’s poison! Mom, the lady’s trying to sell me poison!”

(My mother has finished putting the appointment into her PDA, snatches the coupon from my hands, and smacks it down onto the stack it came from.)

Mom: “NO THANK YOU!”

(We hurried out to the car.)

How You Get Frown Lines In The First Place

(I’m browsing booths at an exposition and see one advertising massages. I go over.)

Me: “Hi. What are your rates?”

Worker: “Well, we have a ten-minute massage for eight dollars.”

Me: “Thanks. I’ll be back later once I’ve—”

Worker: “But we have spray tabs for real cheap!”

Me: “I’m more interested in the—”

Worker: “And Botox! We can fix your face!”

(I left and never came back.)

Extreme Makeover: Criminal Edition

(I work in a check-out lane at a grocery store. A boy who looks about 16 walks up to the check-out and puts a twelve-pack of beer on the lane.)

Me: “May I see your ID?”

Customer: “Who do you think you are, a cop? No!”

Me: “If you want to purchase these, I need to see your ID. You don’t exactly look over 21.”

Customer: “Fine, b****!”

(He then hands me his ID, which has a picture of an elderly man on it.)

Me: “Sorry, you can’t buy these.”

Customer: “What the h***! I just gave you my ID!”

Me: “This ID belongs to an elderly man who has a gray mustache and beard.”

Customer: “It’s called Botox and shaving.”

When “Got Milk?” Is Still Too Long A Sentence

Customer: “Milk.”

Me: Pointing. “There.”

Customer: “Milk?”

Me: Pointing. “There.”

Customer: “You’re being rude!”

Me: “Oh, are we doing complete sentences now? I thought it was a game…”

No way am I having poison in my face. I don’t care that it reduces migraine frequency. I’ll stick with Ubrelvy and ice packs.

If You’ve Got Time To Moan, Then Clean It On Your Own

I am working the deli, and I have just distributed a heavy tray of sandwiches to the display. I lean on the counter to take a breath. A customer and her adult daughter walk up, and the mother says that original and oh-so-clever line:

Customer: “If you’ve got time to lean, then you’ve got time to clean!”

Me: “If you’ve got time to stand, then give me a hand.”

The customer just stood there silently, when the customer’s daughter says to her:

Customer’s Daughter: “See, Mom, this is why you have no friends…”

Riding The Dragon, All The Way To The Cleaners

Working in a casino, I watch card games and make sure dealers pay and collect correctly.

Some kid comes up to a baccarat table. It’s his twenty-first birthday, and he’s with a group of friends. He pulls out his last $5 chip and asks the dealer what pays the most.

Dealer: In broken English “Bet Dragon $5, make $200.”

He bets on Dragon — less likely to hit than betting a single number on roulette, it pays 40:1. Sure as s***, it hits. He’s looking at his $205 in front of himself, and he asks:

Player: “Can it happen twice in a row?”

Dealer: “Not happen too much time.”

He lets the $205 ride and hits it a second time, so now he has $8,400 sitting in front of him.

Player: To his friends “How much should I tip the dealer?”

Friend: “I dunno, bro. Like a stack?”

A stack is $2,000.

The guy dunked $2,000 into the dealer’s tray and walked away, saying he was never gambling again.

We haven’t seen him back.

H2-Oh, Bless Their Heart

A customer brings the Smartwater brand of bottled water up to the counter.

Customer: “Does Smartwater make you smart?”

Me: Jokingly. “Well, it can’t make you any dumber!”

Customer: “Oh… that’s good. Momma says I can’t get any dumber.”

He buys the Smartwater, and I suddenly feel very sad.

I’ve heard that movie directors hate botox, none of the actresses over 40 have faces that move.

Looking at her face, I’m not sure she really means it.

The injections were a success.

But my wife is dead.

But the injections were a success.

I saw a news clip about a comedy club in England that was banning anyone who had Botox. The comedians were refusing to appear because they weren’t getting any feedback from the audience. They were serious about it and had people at the door to test your facial expressions. I’m not making this up.

Your real face??

I’ve seen plenty of botoxed celebs with scary faces!

Truth!

In warm weather, I scare kids with my ugly arms and legs when I wear shorts.

I’m sure would just enhance your scariness.

I am used to my face.

There was an episode of Emergency on about botulism the fall after my mom died (her death had nothing to do with food born illness but it gave me a fear of dying for a while). It totally freaked me out, I was afraid to eat canned food for a couple of years.There is no way I’m injecting that stuff into my body.