Matt Bors for May 06, 2009

Transcript:

News Anchor: Thousands of people are dying every day from the unstoppable global pandemic of CAR DEATH. It kills indiscriminately. Black, white, young, old, SUV driving scum or glib hybrid owner - it matters not to CAR DEATH. Dont' bother walking. It slays pedestrians as well. Gripped by fear, nations have banned all imports until the development of a safe vehicle made of marshmallow. News Anchor: Egypt has ordered the destruction of 300,000 DVDs of the Pixar film "Cars." Cars DO NOT FREAK OUT. You should, however, calmly move to your basement and don some sort of improvised armor. News Anchor: We realize this isn't the news Detroit was hoping for. Sorry guys, it's for the public good. GM