Be sure to wear your flip-flops on Texas beaches on the Gulf of Mexico or they, too, will be stained black. Nothing mysterious, though. Just tar seeping up from petroleum deposits underground.
I’m a little later than usual; thus I’m down here. But what the heck…
Our relationship with The Evil Empire is currently tenuous at best. The following won’t help:
Vladimir Putin calls the American Ambassador and says, “We Russians are, in every way, superior to you Americans. To prove it’ we’ve bred a super-dog that can tear apart any dog you care to send up against it.”
The American pauses, and then replies, “Well, this is rather sudden. But give us one year, and we will hold a dog fight to put your claim to the test.” Both men hang up, and the American gets to work.
One year later, at the chosen arena, the Russians release their dog, which is indeed ferocious – it’s big, ugly, powerfully built, and obviously mean. Then the American’s dog enters the arena, and the Russians start laughing. The dog is large, but it appears to be simply an oversized Dachshund – a wiener dog.
“You’re putting that up against our dog?” they asked, incredulously. “Well, let the fight begin!”
Both dogs were released, and the Russian dog charged at his opponent, snarling and barking. But before he could get started, the American animal leapt forward, grabbed the other dog in his mouth, and proceeded to tear it apart – and then started eating it. The Russians were amazed.
“If you had such an animal, why did you wait a year for the fight?” the Muscovite trainer asked.
The American dog handler replied, “It took our plastic surgeons that long to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”
OK people. Since 2 out of 3 involve animals so far, lets make it 3 out of 4.
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, They’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”
Ambergris … or hamburger grease, as Goofy called it in a Mickey Mouse mystery story by Carl Fallberg and Paul Murray in Walt Disney’s Comics and Stories way back when.
I’m not surprised about the WalMart bananas. For some reason (?) my local WM has several banana displays set up all around the store, including at the check out aisles. Impulse buying?The beach factoid? – just ew
Charlie Fogwhistle about 3 years ago
Be sure to wear your flip-flops on Texas beaches on the Gulf of Mexico or they, too, will be stained black. Nothing mysterious, though. Just tar seeping up from petroleum deposits underground.
eromlig about 3 years ago
I’m a little later than usual; thus I’m down here. But what the heck…
Our relationship with The Evil Empire is currently tenuous at best. The following won’t help:
Vladimir Putin calls the American Ambassador and says, “We Russians are, in every way, superior to you Americans. To prove it’ we’ve bred a super-dog that can tear apart any dog you care to send up against it.”
The American pauses, and then replies, “Well, this is rather sudden. But give us one year, and we will hold a dog fight to put your claim to the test.” Both men hang up, and the American gets to work.
One year later, at the chosen arena, the Russians release their dog, which is indeed ferocious – it’s big, ugly, powerfully built, and obviously mean. Then the American’s dog enters the arena, and the Russians start laughing. The dog is large, but it appears to be simply an oversized Dachshund – a wiener dog.
“You’re putting that up against our dog?” they asked, incredulously. “Well, let the fight begin!”
Both dogs were released, and the Russian dog charged at his opponent, snarling and barking. But before he could get started, the American animal leapt forward, grabbed the other dog in his mouth, and proceeded to tear it apart – and then started eating it. The Russians were amazed.
“If you had such an animal, why did you wait a year for the fight?” the Muscovite trainer asked.
The American dog handler replied, “It took our plastic surgeons that long to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”
catmom1360 about 3 years ago
Why is whale vomit worth so much?
RabbitHole about 3 years ago
OK people. Since 2 out of 3 involve animals so far, lets make it 3 out of 4.
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, They’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”
Caldonia about 3 years ago
Mr. Peanut invites you to crack his skin open and eat his guts.
NeedaChuckle Premium Member about 3 years ago
I remember the Planter’s Peanuts store when I was a kid. A Mr. Peanut would be standing in front, someone in costume.
Huckleberry Hiroshima about 3 years ago
I’m sure the bananas are happy about that.
Take care, may famed Tally Man Ricardo “Daylight Come And She Won’t Let Me Come Home” Amrizord be with you, and gesundheit.
Jefano Premium Member about 3 years ago
Ambergris … or hamburger grease, as Goofy called it in a Mickey Mouse mystery story by Carl Fallberg and Paul Murray in Walt Disney’s Comics and Stories way back when.
dv1093 about 3 years ago
I’m not surprised about the WalMart bananas. For some reason (?) my local WM has several banana displays set up all around the store, including at the check out aisles. Impulse buying?The beach factoid? – just ew
The Duke about 3 years ago
That Walmart store is just bananas!
FassEddie about 3 years ago
Okay, stay off the Maine beaches in June, check.
Stephen Gilberg about 3 years ago
That’s kinda like saying “honey, or bee vomit.”
schaefer jim about 3 years ago
Old jolk, different cast.
oakie817 about 3 years ago
and why is whale vomit so valued? it’s used in perfume….so ladies next time you spray ….