Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for January 12, 2015
January 11, 2015
January 13, 2015
Transcript:
Rat: I've concluded that to be alive is to suffer. And that the elimination of that suffering is the key to achieving inner peace. Thus, beer. I"m not sure if I'm a philosopher or a drunk.
Due you suffer from debilitating sadness, emotional distress, ennui, a sense of futility, or good old-fashioned poverty? Try alcohol. Yes, alcohol can alleviate all those problems and more. Why with alcohol you can be amiable, fearless, and sociable at parties. Wait, there’s so much more! Alcohol can act as a diuretic to reduce water retention, alleviate insomnia, and shorten your miserable life. So why wait any longer? Act today, and we’ll thrown in a stay at your local detox center followed by a jail booking. Now go out there and get drunk!
Yes. Rat is a philosopher. This is known as a transcendental philosophy, wherein one may achieve enlightenment by studying the process of thought itself. First you have to pour it, though. Thankfully, there are many available places where one may tap the stream of consciousness.
Rat needs to seek out a Czech Pohoda Master. Pohoda is the ineffable state of being produced by consumption of exactly the right amount of beer. A Master can sustain it for days on end, with only occasional nibbles on a good sausage and of course frequent trips to the bathroom.
A. E. Housman, British poet (1859-1936), had something to say on this subject. In “Terence, This Is Stupid Stuff,” he goes on for awhile about how drinking beer is one way to achieve temporary happiness. His most famous line is, “And malt does more than Milton can/ To justify God’s ways to man.”
The troubles of our proud and angry dust are from eternity, and shall not fail. Bear them we can, and if we can we must. Shoulder the sky, my lad, and drink your ale.A. E. Housman
A longer excerpt from Terence, this is stupid stuff. Why, if ‘tis dancing you would be, There’s brisker pipes than poetry. Say, for what were hop-yards meant, Or why was Burton built on Trent? Oh many a peer of England brews Livelier liquor than the Muse, And malt does more than Milton can To justify God’s ways to man. Ale, man, ale’s the stuff to drink For fellows whom it hurts to think: Look into the pewter pot To see the world as the world’s not. And faith, ‘tis pleasant till ’tis past: The mischief is that ’twill not last. Oh I have been to Ludlow fair And left my necktie God knows where, And carried half-way home, or near, Pints and quarts of Ludlow beer: Then the world seemed none so bad, And I myself a sterling lad; And down in lovely muck I’ve lain, Happy till I woke again. Then I saw the morning sky: Heigho, the tale was all a lie; The world, it was the old world yet, I was I, my things were wet, And nothing now remained to do But begin the game anew.
The folks citing Western thinkers are missing the point. This is a spoof of “The Four Noble Truths” of the Buddha. I don’t know whether Stephan knew that in the second noble truth “tanha” (desire, craving) also means “thirst.”
Gotta get off the English stuff and drink something good. After all, even John Cleese ranted about English beer being “nasty, warm, sticky stuff with various forms of pond life in it!”
Rod Gonzalez over 9 years ago
Trust me, Rat, you are NOT a philosopher.
Linda1259 over 9 years ago
Most drunks attempt to philosophize, however only the Irish have mastered it. And rat is not Irish. Therefore, rat is just a drunk!
danfromfreddybeach over 9 years ago
René Descartes was a drunken fart
“I drink therefore I am”
Kali39 over 9 years ago
As Homer Simpson once said, “Beer: the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.”
Sherlock Watson over 9 years ago
As philosophy goes, this is par for the Coors.
x_Tech over 9 years ago
There is beer therefore I drink.
cdgar over 9 years ago
Beer is for wimps and rats. When I feel like enjoying a drink, it’s always Whiskey.
Barker62 over 9 years ago
It’s actually ,soooooo-eeeeeee!
Ida No over 9 years ago
Australians named Bruce are drunk philosophers. That counts.
alviebird over 9 years ago
Thus guitar.
wiselad over 9 years ago
closest Rat gets to philosopher is when he makes neighbor Phil Oh Suffer
Boots at the Boar Premium Member over 9 years ago
Due you suffer from debilitating sadness, emotional distress, ennui, a sense of futility, or good old-fashioned poverty? Try alcohol. Yes, alcohol can alleviate all those problems and more. Why with alcohol you can be amiable, fearless, and sociable at parties. Wait, there’s so much more! Alcohol can act as a diuretic to reduce water retention, alleviate insomnia, and shorten your miserable life. So why wait any longer? Act today, and we’ll thrown in a stay at your local detox center followed by a jail booking. Now go out there and get drunk!
Brass Orchid Premium Member over 9 years ago
Yes. Rat is a philosopher. This is known as a transcendental philosophy, wherein one may achieve enlightenment by studying the process of thought itself. First you have to pour it, though. Thankfully, there are many available places where one may tap the stream of consciousness.
Richard Howland-Bolton Premium Member over 9 years ago
Yup, BrassOrchid is right and Rat is obviuosly from the Philosophy Department of the University of Woolloomooloo.
juicebruce over 9 years ago
So Stephan which beer do you like? Ice or Regular?
puddlesplatt over 9 years ago
have never drank a Martini that I didn’t like!
prrdh over 9 years ago
Rat needs to seek out a Czech Pohoda Master. Pohoda is the ineffable state of being produced by consumption of exactly the right amount of beer. A Master can sustain it for days on end, with only occasional nibbles on a good sausage and of course frequent trips to the bathroom.
businessgypsy over 9 years ago
Why not both?
Gokie5 over 9 years ago
A. E. Housman, British poet (1859-1936), had something to say on this subject. In “Terence, This Is Stupid Stuff,” he goes on for awhile about how drinking beer is one way to achieve temporary happiness. His most famous line is, “And malt does more than Milton can/ To justify God’s ways to man.”
KEA over 9 years ago
rat is a drug addict
damifid0 over 9 years ago
noted.
rgpope Premium Member over 9 years ago
kea, lighten up! Until I read yours, I enjoyed every comment.I am Rat, Rat is I.
damifid0 over 9 years ago
Rat is a… rat. :) Peace.
grainpaw over 9 years ago
The troubles of our proud and angry dust are from eternity, and shall not fail. Bear them we can, and if we can we must. Shoulder the sky, my lad, and drink your ale.A. E. Housman
A longer excerpt from Terence, this is stupid stuff. Why, if ‘tis dancing you would be, There’s brisker pipes than poetry. Say, for what were hop-yards meant, Or why was Burton built on Trent? Oh many a peer of England brews Livelier liquor than the Muse, And malt does more than Milton can To justify God’s ways to man. Ale, man, ale’s the stuff to drink For fellows whom it hurts to think: Look into the pewter pot To see the world as the world’s not. And faith, ‘tis pleasant till ’tis past: The mischief is that ’twill not last. Oh I have been to Ludlow fair And left my necktie God knows where, And carried half-way home, or near, Pints and quarts of Ludlow beer: Then the world seemed none so bad, And I myself a sterling lad; And down in lovely muck I’ve lain, Happy till I woke again. Then I saw the morning sky: Heigho, the tale was all a lie; The world, it was the old world yet, I was I, my things were wet, And nothing now remained to do But begin the game anew.
Godfreydaniel over 9 years ago
Rat, meet Andy Capp, Hagar the Horrible, Soppy Sopwell, and Bung the Jester! All preceding you in your fine philosophy.
Godfreydaniel over 9 years ago
Miniver Cheevy by Edwin Arlington Robinson:
Miniver Cheevy, child of scorn,Grew lean while he assailed the seasons;He wept that he was ever born,And he had reasons.
Miniver loved the days of oldWhen swords were bright and steeds were prancing;The vision of a warrior boldWould set him dancing.
Miniver sighed for what was not,And dreamed, and rested from his labors;He dreamed of Thebes and Camelot,And Priam’s neighbors.
Minever mourned the ripe renownThat made so many a name so fragrant;He mourned Romance, now on the town,And Art, a vagrant.
Minever loved the Medici,Albeit he had never seen one;He would have sinned incessantlyCould he have been one.
Miniver cursed the commonplaceAnd eyed a khaki suit with loathing;He missed the mediæval graceOf iron clothing.
Miniver scorned the gold he sought,But sore annoyed was he without it;Miniver thought, and thought, and thought,And thought about it.
Miniver Cheevy, born too late,Scratched his head and kept on thinking;Miniver coughed, and called it fate,And kept on drinking.
russellc64 over 9 years ago
To quote Jay Pritchett (Ed O’Neil – Modern Family), burrito-burreado.
paul brians over 9 years ago
The folks citing Western thinkers are missing the point. This is a spoof of “The Four Noble Truths” of the Buddha. I don’t know whether Stephan knew that in the second noble truth “tanha” (desire, craving) also means “thirst.”
http://buddhism.about.com/od/thefournobletruths/a/fournobletruths.htm
Number Three over 9 years ago
You’re something else, Rat.
But if I repeated it, I would be banned from GoComics.
xxx
Phatts over 9 years ago
I’ll remind you that it was Benjamin Franklin who reputedly said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!”
flyfisher over 9 years ago
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. No sure if this applies here but I always liked that saying.
claire de la lune. over 9 years ago
You were so close, Rat…
Sisyphos over 9 years ago
Anyone can be a philosopher. The trick is to be a good one and a convincing one.. There, beer may not help much….
codedaddy over 9 years ago
How were you able to arrange the tasting of the rancid apple juice that has been filtered through a camel?
Ida No over 9 years ago
Philosobeer.
codedaddy over 9 years ago
A philosopher or a drunk? Rat – they are not mutually exclusive.
Guilty Bystander over 9 years ago
Didn’t the Buddha say that in the Dhammapada? I wasn’t aware they brewed Kingfisher in Siddartha’s day…no wonder he was always smiling.
Goblinopolis over 9 years ago
If to be alive is to suffer, to cease suffering is to die.
K M over 9 years ago
Gotta get off the English stuff and drink something good. After all, even John Cleese ranted about English beer being “nasty, warm, sticky stuff with various forms of pond life in it!”
K M over 9 years ago
Who did you have to sue to get into opera and Shakespeare?
weatherford.joe Premium Member over 9 years ago
Also yes.
ivanprime93 over 9 years ago
Just like my dad.
knight1192a over 9 years ago
Drunk, go with drunk.
PdLorinel over 5 years ago
Same thing. At least, according to Monty Python.
Immanuel Kant was a real pissantWho was very rarely stable
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggarWho could think you under the table
David Hume could out-consumeWilhelm Freidrich Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swineWho was just as schloshed as Schlegel
There’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya’bout the raising of the wristSocrates, himself, was permanently pissed
John Stuart Mill, of his own free willOn half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato, they say, could stick it awayHalf a crate of whiskey every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottleAnd Hobbes was fond of his dram
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart“I drink, therefore I am.”
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missedA lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he’s pissed
jerry400 over 3 years ago
Every drunk is a philosopher. Sadly, this says more about philosophers than it does about drinking…
leopardglily about 1 month ago
The two can be interchangable.