Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for July 25, 2015

Rat, I’m the best parallel parker in NYC, where it’s necessary to survive.

If he can parallel park his coffin, then that would be something.

Rat will be known for parallel parking on top of people he hated.

Don’t have a character trait I’d like spoken off at my funeral. Actually, there’s really nothing about me worth speaking about. Best thing would probably be to just throw me in the ground and be done with.

Rat certainly won’t be remembered for his kindness. Probably not for parallel parking, either. They may, however, talk at length about his skill with a baseball bat.

I’d like people to throw a huge pizza party when I go. I’d hate to think about a bunch of people crying…. all those runny noses…. it’s disgusting.

Pity, Rat can’t find any worthier quality to his life than his (alleged) ability to parallel-park. But, one has to make do with what’s available for a eulogy.

Where is Pig today? Is he making a distressed guest-appearance over at Frog Applause?

Once said, “oOooOooh, truck/van/caprice parallel parking success! They should give me an award for that! Oh, wait, they did: my driver’s license.”

It’s eerie how Rat can read my mind like that.

Interesting parallel to today’s Calvin & Hobbes.

When it comes to funerals, I hope mine is entertaining as that of Chuckles the Clown.

That’s a legacy you can stand on.

What I hate are the “viewings.” I certainly don’t want to be on display like that. People always say things like"Doesn’t John/Jane look good? So like themselves." No they don’t. They don’t look at all well. In fact I think this person is very sick and someone should call 911 immediately.

Stewart Little does drive a car, but he’s a mouse.

I’ve pre-written my obituary. (Fact) It doesn’t mention parallel parking.

I don’t have to worry about what they’ll say. I have arranged things so that I’ll be remembered anyway. I’m going to be cremated and the ashes mixed with asphalt and made into a big speed bump. They’ll remember ME alright. .G****d****** ************** and his ********** speed bump.

@Leftwingpatriot Served as a reminder that one should never go disguised as a peanut and walk in front of elephants.

Was it Woody Allen who said, in answer to the question of what he’d like people to say at his funeral, “Look, he’s breathing!”?

Someone needs to claim Pig. He has amnesia.Pig is Missing!.

Enjoy your toons, especially the one today about obits. I’m coming out with a new booklet Write An Obituary Worth Reading. Be happy to share with you, especially if you’d grant me permission to include the obit cartoon inside the almost finished booklet. write me at kimeldorf@me.com

FOOEY! i want to post this on facebook, but the link goes to YESTERDAY’S cartoon!! WAKE UP, gocomics!!!

Rat will be remembered all right.Unfortunately.Just kidding. This strip wouldn’t be the same without him.xxx

I just officiated last Tuesday at a memorial for a dear friend of half a century. It was not a funeral. The husband of this friend had her cremated according to her wishes and strewed the ashes himself. That’s what he wanted. The memorial drew 40 people who lavished funny and loving anecdotes; my prayer, eulogy and closing were uplifting. Although some tears were shed, everyone seemed to have gotten the closure they needed. Cost was not really a consideration, but we needed to spend very little, mostly on delicious homemade comfort food. I’m still receiving phone calls and e-mails from attendees who feel she was given a great sendoff and the rest of us the pleasure of remembering what a great person she was. I miss her a lot, but nothing but time can ever take that ache away.

Kindness is its only reward.

steve goodman ‘Do they still play the blues in chicago? (the dying cubs fan’s last request" have 6 bullpen pitchers carry my coffin, have 6 groundskeepers clear my path,…give everyone a bag of popcorn and a frosty malt….

Okay, I’ll say it. I was parking in front of a church, which might have helped some.

I do not live in the city, so parallel parking (thankfully) is not a major part of my life.

I tell anyone who asks, “Just put the remains in a Hefty Bag and set it out on the curb on Friday morning.”

No open casket – how about a memorial service, with a well stocked bar. Sunglasses are optional, I don’t expect many criers.

That’d be interesting. If that was your only good quality. “ Oh yeah, Fred was a good guy, anytime we wanted to parallel park, we’d just call him up and ask him.”