Close to Home by John McPherson for April 17, 2019

Eww.

It looks to me like the toilet is still clogged; the water level is almost up to the top. All he has to do is take that piece of used toilet paper off and send the club to Arnold Palmer and ask him to re-sign it.

Doesn’t matter, he was a crappy player anyway.

I wonder how many strokes it took?

Arnie didn’t use waterproof ink? He never expected an amateur to encounter a water hazard… or a rainstorm?

I don’t play golf, but, yeah, I’d be upset, too. How about I wash dishes and dust the living room with your favorite blouse?

Sorry dude. If it is important lock it up or encase it. Lesson learned.

I had a schedule and ticket from the last game of the ‘84 World Series, as well as a copy of the Detroit Free Press with Kirk Gibson on the front page. The frame they were in broke, and I hadn’t had time to get a new one. My husband put their box in the bathtub (we were moving and boxes were everywhere). Then the septic tank backed up into all the sinks, tubs, and toilets. My memorabilia was ruined. It was not necessarily his fault, but I did ask him to put the box in a safe place.

And you realize how much anything autografted by him is worth now that he’s gone?

all I know about him is that he invented one of the best drinks ever

This is grounds for divorce!

That looks like a condom.

You’re not supposed to flush those.

Great! Dalcon is on top of the toilet tank, with a clear shot at him, and this is the one time you remember to put the toilet seat down.

The Coroner had a hard time figuring out how he managed to wrap a steel shaft around her neck to strangle his wife.

Weird toilet base.

Plumber’s minimum charge is $100.