Close to Home by John McPherson for December 26, 2020

Yea doc i’d roll my eyes as well.

“Let’s see what the Magic 8-Ball says.”

I say it’s your appendix. Siri and Alexa only want your personal information!

Raise your right hand and repeat after me. I will trust my doctors diagnosis and not the internets,

I don’t use Siri and I don’t use Alexa. And I’m not going to until I can give the device a name of my choosing.

I want to call it “Pussycat”. That way when I want to know what’s going on I can say

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQvIAs-nPSo

“JOHNNNNN-SON!!”

“Yes sir… you bellowed, sir?”

“Johnson, where is the alien bug? We’re finished with the hospital scene and ready to shoot the next one… and we can’t, Johnson! Wanna know why we can’t, Johnson? Because there’s no bug! Why is there no bug, Johnson?”

“Um, sir, we can’t seem to find the bug…err, Mr. Bleeb, sir. It seems Mr. Bleeb got, um, a little intoxicated and was last seen on the set of Family Circus chasing Billy around their yard, sir.”

“Well that’s just great, Johnson! And just how do we know this?”

“Well, sir… we don’t know all the details, sir, but they described him to a “T” and uh, mentioned a sort of “alien smell”… and of course there was a map of sorts, sir, showing where they ran around the yard. They’re known for that sort of sight gag over there. But we’re stilling looking, sir.”

“Hᴇʏ! Sᴛᴀɢᴇ Mᴏɴᴋᴇʏs! (ʜɪᴄᴋ) Iғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀɴɴᴀ sᴇᴇ Bɪʟʟʏ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ… (ʜɪᴄᴋ) ʙʀɪɴɢ ʙᴀᴄᴋ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴏᴜʀʙᴏɴ ᴇɢɢɴᴏɢ! Oʜ, ᴀɴᴅ Mᴇʀʀʏ Cʜʀɪsᴛᴍᴀs! (Hᴇᴇ-ʜᴇᴇ, ᴡʜᴏᴀ, ᴀʟᴍᴏsᴛ ғᴇʟʟ ᴏᴜᴛᴀ ᴛʜɪs ᴛʀᴇᴇ)”

“Um… There he is, sir!”

“Johnson! Just get him his eggnog… and find whoever this Mary Krispness is, and get him on his mark and back in character, so we can finish tomorrows scene! You’re killin’ me Johnson, you’re killin’ me!”

“Yes sir, I’ll do my best, sir!”

… cont’d tomorrow

Lose the spleen.

“Well first, Ms. Stunklemann, I’m going to consult with a neurologist to determine if you have even an ounce of brains.”

Sounds like a good idea, While you are under we will remove your liver, kidneys, stomach, intestine, badder, lungs, heart eyes and also some of your skin. In addition we will drain a few pints of blood. We will send a notice to the insurance that states you died on the operating table and there was really nothing more we could do to save you. We will give your various parts to people in need and your family will enjoy the insurance payout making you a truly productive member of society.

just please sign the papers at the bottom and we will get started.

It’s not such a stretch. On line Dr. is a thing now. I’m not necessarily against it, I just don’t have much confidence in it yet.

Well, what’s your sign?

I’m waiting for Dr. Sturks cutting response.

What does Cortana advise?

In my experience, I wouldn’t trust Siri. The three times I needed directions, two were totally wrong, the third was not exactly correct. The two times I requested look up information, it failed to deliver anything more than just typing a query into a browser would have provided. I turned it off.

Always good to get a third opinion, especially from someone qualified.

What does Google Assistant say?

Sure – let me grab a coin.

Cortana doesn’t get a say.

Looks like Bleeb is saluting.

Coin toss?

If you’re getting medical advice from Siri and Alexa, maybe you need a lobotomy.

But what does Dr. Oz say????

Now cut that out.