Frog Applause by Teresa Burritt for June 13, 2021

I AM THE ANSWERING MACHINE. USE ME!

‘I do the rounds of the shops fo you’ — and they said that online shopping was all new? Nnnnnope!

I AM THE LONELY, BUT LOVABLE (MODERATELY DRUNK AT TIMES) BLUE MAN! LOVE ME!

Reach Out and touch the one you love.

My father had a businessman voice on the horn, as he would call it.

A little too tireless, around here.

Marketing has changed over the last 89 years.

I am the cell phone. Shut up and do as I say.

Evil machine steal soul.

Aaah! The candlestick tele! Brings me back to my childhood days! The operator asked “number pleeeeesese”! Party lines were annoying…3-4 people wouldn’t get off the phone for hours…annoying gossipers! ONE ringy dingy……two….

i am your voice. use me ;+)

Jenny don’t change your number

Eight six seven five three oh nine

.

Rikki, don’t lose that number

You don’t wanna call nobody else

Send it off in a letter to yourself

.

All I gotta do

Is call you on the phone

And you’ll come running home

Yeah, that’s all I gotta do

.

First time I picked up the telephone

I fell in love with your ringing tone

I’m a long distance romancer

I keep on trying till I get an answer

Gimme gimme one more chance

She’s a greater little operator

Switchboard Susan, let me off the hook

I’ve been this way since you give me your look

Switchboard Susan, you’re all the rage

Come on sugar, let’s get engaged

Long distance information, give me Memphis, Tennessee

Help me find the party trying to get in touch with me

She could not leave her number, but I know who placed the call

’Cause my uncle took the message and he wrote it on the wall

.

f you’re feeling sad and lonely

There’s a service I can render

Tell the one who loves you only

I can be so warm and tender

Call me don’t be afraid, you can call me

Maybe it’s late, but just call me

Tell me, and I’ll be around

.

I’m on a party line

Wonderin’ all the time

Who’s on the other end?

Is she big, is she small?

Is she a she at all?

Who’s on my party line?

Wish I had a more direct connection

This party line was here when I arrived

And I’m not voting in the next election

If they don’t do something about finding out

The person who is on my party line

…if they only had some way of advertising…

…they could put all the sellers names in a book…

…with their telephone numbers…

…and their services…

…put it on colourful paper…

…yellow would be good…

…oh, telephone…

…if you only could…

I am the telephone, and have become the instrument of untold mischief: source of mystery calls which don’t show a number and so cannot be blocked; convenient tool for scammers, hucksters, con artists, and ne’er-do-wells; blank slate conduit for divisive social media, speaking of which, I have no power to warn about truthfulness or lack thereof; ubiquitous tool of Big Brother, pervasive enough to be scary as all hell.

Oh to be able to slam the receiver down again

Hello … can you hear me now …?

One of my favorite Linda Ronstadt songs: "Still within the sound of my voice…

I am the toilet seat. Day and night I am your tireless servant… there is an appeal about my ring which you cannot resist…

Lerch, “You rang”.

Thing, “Take a phone to Maxwell’s Shoe”.

I don’t date tradesmen.

In college we had an ancient Centrex phone system that was always on the verge of a total breakdown while I was there. Lines were constantly being crossed, and you could hear other people’s phone calls bleeding into yours faintly if you listened. Sometimes not so faintly.

One time the phone in my dorm room rang and I answered it to find myself a third party on someone else’s call. Went something like this:

(Girl’s voice) Hello?

(Guy’s voice) Hi, is Julie there?

(Girl) Hang on, let me check.

(After a few seconds pause I spoke) Hello? What do you want?

(Guy) Uh, I’m looking for Julie.

(Me) This is her boyfriend. Who is this?

(Guy) WHAT? I’m her boyfriend. Who is this? Seriously.

(Julie, perfectly innocent and unaware of what just happened) Hi Guy, what’s up?

(Guy) Julie WTF is going on? Who was that guy?

(Julie) What guy? What are you talking about?

(Guy) The guy who just picked up the phone? And said he was your boyfriend?

(Julie, sounding panicked) There’s no guy here, just me and Sarah…

At this point, I just couldn’t hold in my laughter. I busted out laughing, turning it into a “Bwahahaha” as best I could, which I admit wasn’t very good because I was just about hysterical.

(Guy, Julie) OMG WTF

And at that point I hung up. For years, I got a good chuckle whenever I remembered that. Oh, the joys of analog.

I’m the cleaner and you don’t even know my name…

Fat lot of good being used did for that stick-phone. Still, I suppose back in ’32 New Zealanders would have though the telephone to be a Good Thing, never guessing that in its evolved form nearly a century later it would be the Bane of Civilization!

Now, drop your smartphones and pay attention to my Words of Wisdom, dammit! Sigh. Addicts….

Jim Croce, Operator, you can keep the dime.

hey sucker…. the warrenty on your car will expire and you should increase the mileage on it.

I am the lineman for the county… Glen Campbell..

mama made soup today

la la poop de aye…

Briiing, Briiing,… Avon calling.

Remember when the most annoying call you would get would be prank calls?

Now no one answers the phone.

Ring, ring… Hello?

Hey mister, is your refrigerator running?

…

Many years ago, before caller ID was ubiquitous, I was awakened from a sleep by a phone call from two (obviously) young girls. They made me some exciting promises and asked if they could meet me. I answered, “Do you two know that my phone has caller ID?” The phone clicked dead VERY FAST!

Ah, Day 2, with my ding-a-ling!