Ripley's Believe It or Not by Ripley’s Believe It or Not! for August 09, 2021

It’s been too long since I’ve picked on my fellow Irishmen. Time to start making up for that oversight:

O’Brien comes staggering into Murphy’s pub, beat black and blue. Murphy stops wiping down the counter and exclaims, “O’Brien, what in the world happened? Who beat you up so bad?” [Murphy, while a compassionate man, had little respect for the adverbial form.]

“T’was Flynn did this t’me,” O’Brien replies.

“Flynn?” Murphy replies, incredulously. “Why, that little squint could na’ have done this to you, unless he had somethin’ in his hand!”

“That he did,” said O’Brien. “He had a fireplace poker in his hand.”

“But did ye not have anythin’ in your own hand?”

“I did indeed – Mrs. Flynn’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was…but useless in battle.”

Well when you think about it, the last thing you were doing with that used food that you eject everyday, was absorbing nutrients.

Would it take two containers (one for each eye) of mascara for those 20.32-centimeter Chinese eyelashes?

I suppose You (not you, You) got used to having all those hairs in front of her eyes. Just to impress people. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Ms. Jianxia was once asked what she does when she loses one. She exclaimed: “I lash out.”

An 8-inch eyelash would be helpful in a close Olympic sprint.

So… it was Colonel Mustard, in the Ballroom, with Half a Piece of Sausage.

Seems like a new look for Ripley’s today. A different artist or is it just the lettering that’s changed?

That’s why the mysterious cat burglar is never caught: I always eat the whole sausage. He! He!

And at nine years old she got 100 lashes for bragging about it.

Take care, may famed feces appraiser Mousy Tongueord be with you, and gesundheit.

Great once again!

How long is the statute of limitations in Germany?

The new lettering isn’t easy on the eyes

Hmmm, What’s with the new layout? The font and everything is different, too. I hope it’s temporary! ;D

Gotta love DNA. I especially love cold case crimes that are solved after many years thanks to some stray DNA. I think all of society would benefit if every child born would have their DNA taken at birth and cataloged in a data base. Only the criminals would object to this “invasion of privacy.”

What would be scary if the police found someone’s DNA in the wurst, that was neither the culprit’s, nor the pig’s.

Ok, here is the other bass player joke I know. You have probably heard this. I don’t know why they pick on bass players.

The San Francisco Symphony season highlight this year was Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. They had a new conductor this year who everybody thought was a cool guy. Rehearsals for the piece went fine. Came the night for the performance, and after the opening Mozart Concerto and the intermission, the Symphony launched right into the Ninth.

All was going well during the first three parts. The final movement of the piece has no need for the bass players until the climax at the very end. Being it was the end of a long season, they decided in advance to quietly sneak out down to a nearby pub. They didn’t’ think they new conductor would mind, and after a drink, they could come back all refreshed for the big climax.

The bass players arrived back in time, but stumbled over their chair and instruments, noisily upsetting the patrons. The conductor didn’t know what to do. Here it was the bottom of the Ninth and the basses were loaded!

I see that often in drying mud puddles out in the country side!

I can barely wash my face without losing an eyelash EVERYDAY.

Yucky day at RBION.

No DNA allowed beyond this.

After analyzing the DNA, the German police came to the unmistakable conclusion . . . the cow was the burglar!

And if she flutters her lashes there are tornados in Kansas…

8 inches long! How does she wipe her…… Oh wait. Never mind. I’m thinking of someone else.

The new format is difficult to read!

Ooh! The old idiot told an even older boob joke. Next up? His Irish pee pee joke.

HOW did she get her eyelashes to even grow?