OK, keep that matzoh coming, All – Saturday night is in sight, and you won’t have to clean your house for another year. Whew!..anyway, here is, if not a Jewish story, at least a story about a Jew: (Yes, it’s been told Before. Not all have heard it, however.)
Don Rickles was dining out with some friends at an upscale LA restaurant. When he got up to use the men’s room, he saw Frank Sinatra dining in another part of the restaurant. Knowing him slightly, Rickles approached Ol’ Blue Eyes and said, “Frank, I’m with some people I’d really like to impress. It would mean a lot to me if you’d come up to our table and greet me by name.” Sinatra said of course he would; glad to help.
A while later, Frank came by the table as promised, leaned in, and said, “Hello there, Don!”
Rickles turned around and snapped, “Not NOW, Frank! Can’t you see I’m with friends?”
As Rickles’ guests watched in amazement, Sinatra doubled over in laughter.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and a mop.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named ‘Kevin’?”
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
What did the bartender say when Charles Dickens ordered a Martini? “Olive or twist?”
A gorilla walks into a bar, orders a Mai Tai, and hands the bartender a $20 bill. After recovering from his shock, the bartender thinks, Hey, this gorilla doesn’t know how much drinks cost, and hands him back one dollar in change, saying, “We don’t get too many gorillas in here.”
The gorilla replies, “At 19 bucks a drink, I’m not surprised.”
It has been claimed that Leonardo da Vinci invented the napkin in 1491. According to this claim, the Duke of Milan, Ludovico Sforza, used to tie up live rabbits decorated with ribbons to the guest’s chairs so they could wipe their hands on the animal’s back. Da Vinci found this inappropriate, and presented a cloth for each guest.
I’m thinking it’s time for a Ukrainian counter attack on the Russians. However, humor is my only weapon, so here goes my first salvo – a warning to the Russians.
Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians.
Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass themselves off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.
An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in. “Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!”
Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.
“We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded.”
The Ukrainian fighters take them into captivity and have them call their parents while they go out to inspect the truck that the Russians had abandoned.
They come back and tell the Russians what they found.
“Well, your truck was out of fuel and broken down just like you said. We found leaks in your gas tank and a leaking fuel line. The timing belt was snapped, the oil was leaking from a puncture in the reservoir, the engine had stalled from said lack of oil, and the radiator was cracked”
“Wait a second” interjected one Russian soldier. “Did you say the Radiator was cracked?”
President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.
Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
“What happened to you?” asked Putin.
“Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19-year-old and 21-year-old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.
The driver replies, “I said ’I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.’”
Finally, the Ukrainians are willing to give all and pay any cost to achieve their goal.
A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. He’s a stupid peasant but he knows what’s what.
The peasant says, “I want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.”
So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from the east and easily defeats the country.
For his next wish, before the genie can even finish his sentence, the peasant again asks for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go home.
So it happens. And the Chinese defeat Ukraine from the east.
For his third wish, the peasant again asks for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and go home.
“I gave you three wishes,” the genie cries. “Why did you ask for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east three times?”
Because to invade Ukraine 3 times they had to go through Russia 6 times.
eromlig over 2 years ago
OK, keep that matzoh coming, All – Saturday night is in sight, and you won’t have to clean your house for another year. Whew!..anyway, here is, if not a Jewish story, at least a story about a Jew: (Yes, it’s been told Before. Not all have heard it, however.)
Don Rickles was dining out with some friends at an upscale LA restaurant. When he got up to use the men’s room, he saw Frank Sinatra dining in another part of the restaurant. Knowing him slightly, Rickles approached Ol’ Blue Eyes and said, “Frank, I’m with some people I’d really like to impress. It would mean a lot to me if you’d come up to our table and greet me by name.” Sinatra said of course he would; glad to help.
A while later, Frank came by the table as promised, leaned in, and said, “Hello there, Don!”
Rickles turned around and snapped, “Not NOW, Frank! Can’t you see I’m with friends?”
As Rickles’ guests watched in amazement, Sinatra doubled over in laughter.
Templo S.U.D. over 2 years ago
Jason, you once bought Emilia Arheart’s helmet for 825,001 dollars.
Caldonia over 2 years ago
“Encanto”? More like " Encant-OW!"
JDP_Huntington Beach over 2 years ago
Booze by the pound, and not Sterling.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and a mop.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named ‘Kevin’?”
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
What did the bartender say when Charles Dickens ordered a Martini? “Olive or twist?”
A gorilla walks into a bar, orders a Mai Tai, and hands the bartender a $20 bill. After recovering from his shock, the bartender thinks, Hey, this gorilla doesn’t know how much drinks cost, and hands him back one dollar in change, saying, “We don’t get too many gorillas in here.”
The gorilla replies, “At 19 bucks a drink, I’m not surprised.”
charliefarmrhere over 2 years ago
There is quite a story about how she lost her leather hat, who found it, & how it was proven as genuine, before going to auction.
therese_callahan2002 over 2 years ago
We don’t talk about labor.
Huckleberry Hiroshima over 2 years ago
It was a labor of love I’m sure.
Take care, may childbirth lecturer Vivian “Yyyy-Oowwwwwwwooooo” Janovord be with you, and gesundheit.
fgerbil46 over 2 years ago
Being in labor may have been how she hit the high notes. (Ducks.) I’ll show myself out now.
oakie817 over 2 years ago
what’s the weight of a pint of beer?
cdnalor over 2 years ago
I bet Stephanie could really hit those high notes as long as they were several minutes apart.
artegal over 2 years ago
How much did the helmet Amelia wore on her around the world flight go for? Oh, wait. My bad.
preacherman Premium Member over 2 years ago
I’m surprised the English kept sales records of wine and beer from 1205 AD. Now, that’s record keeping.
FassEddie over 2 years ago
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
Edited for space
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
4. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
5. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
6. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
7. “God, now I know why I am not gay.”
And the best one of all:
8. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not upthere?”
Moon57Shine over 2 years ago
I can hit those high notes while in labor, too.
Dean over 2 years ago
It has been claimed that Leonardo da Vinci invented the napkin in 1491. According to this claim, the Duke of Milan, Ludovico Sforza, used to tie up live rabbits decorated with ribbons to the guest’s chairs so they could wipe their hands on the animal’s back. Da Vinci found this inappropriate, and presented a cloth for each guest.
I think I need a bath.
flpmlp over 2 years ago
Actually, the Brits spent trillions of pounds in 1206 and reversed global cooling!
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
I’m thinking it’s time for a Ukrainian counter attack on the Russians. However, humor is my only weapon, so here goes my first salvo – a warning to the Russians.
Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians.
Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass themselves off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
Next blast of the warning Fogwhistle.
Why should you not kick a Ukrainian in the balls?
You may hurt your foot
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
This dates back to the late 1950’s – Preparedness
An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in. “Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!”
“All of them?” he asks, putting down his rifle.
“No, only one.”
He starts cleaning the rifle again.
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
Trouble on the home front
One Russian to another:
Who is your mother?
Our great Mother Russia.
Who is your father?
Our dear leader Putin.
What’s your greatest desire?
Becoming an orphan.
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
Underlying truth
Putin consulted with a fortune teller. The fortune teller predicted that Putin would die on a Ukrainian holiday.
Putin asks: "Which one?”
To which the fortune teller responded, “Whenever you die it will be a Ukrainian holiday!”
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
Dedication of Russian troops to their cause:
Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.
“We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded.”
The Ukrainian fighters take them into captivity and have them call their parents while they go out to inspect the truck that the Russians had abandoned.
They come back and tell the Russians what they found.
“Well, your truck was out of fuel and broken down just like you said. We found leaks in your gas tank and a leaking fuel line. The timing belt was snapped, the oil was leaking from a puncture in the reservoir, the engine had stalled from said lack of oil, and the radiator was cracked”
“Wait a second” interjected one Russian soldier. “Did you say the Radiator was cracked?”
“Well, yes.” replied the mechanic.
“Huh. I don’t remember doing that.”
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
Putin’s lack of popularity
President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.
Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
“What happened to you?” asked Putin.
“Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19-year-old and 21-year-old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.
The driver replies, “I said ’I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.’”
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
Finally, the Ukrainians are willing to give all and pay any cost to achieve their goal.
A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. He’s a stupid peasant but he knows what’s what.
The peasant says, “I want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.”
So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from the east and easily defeats the country.
For his next wish, before the genie can even finish his sentence, the peasant again asks for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go home.
So it happens. And the Chinese defeat Ukraine from the east.
For his third wish, the peasant again asks for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and go home.
“I gave you three wishes,” the genie cries. “Why did you ask for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east three times?”
Because to invade Ukraine 3 times they had to go through Russia 6 times.
Until next time.