Well, we’ve just had two quasi-holidays in a row, Star Wars Day and Cinco de Mayo. Really, it’s too bad they fall in that order, because in space, no one can hear the results of eating the wrong Mexican food… Appropo of absolutely nothing, I present the following:
A sixty-five year old woman goes to her doctor and asks him to prescribe her some birth control pills. “But at your age, you surely don’t need birth control,” the doctor protests. “Why would you want them?”
“The help me sleep,” she responds. The doctor has never heard of any soporific affect of birth control, but the old lady persists, so the doctor shrugs his shoulders and writes the prescription.
On her follow-up visit a couple of months later, the doctor asks, “So how are the birth control pills working for you?”
“Oh, wonderful, Doctor. I’m sleeping so well!”
“Tell me,” the physician wonders. “Do you know just why they make you sleep so well?”
“Why, of course I do, Doctor! I just put them in my teenage granddaughter’s orange juice every morning, and that night I sleep like a log.”
Back in 1977 or thereabouts, I pitched a tent at an Iowa State Park on Lake Okiboji, shortly after dark, and there were so many Salamanders that the ground appeared to be moving. In fact, I drove a tent stake through one and didn’t know it until morning. True story. Now Salamanders are on the decline.
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman’s back. What is the man’s name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver, says, “My answer is, there is no answer.”
The second, from Toronto, says, “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.”
The third one from Newfoundland says, “I’m not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It’s either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.”
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood with big, stately residences—no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, especially after all those beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.” “I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.” “Ah, yes,” said the Bobbie, “just follow me.”
He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. “In there,” points the Bobbie. “Whiz away, anywhere you want.”
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop’s blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie,
“That was really decent of you. Is that British hospitality?” “No,” replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, “That is the French Embassy.”
In Ocean City NJ, we use trained Harris Hawks to ward off seagulls, which had become so aggressive with people eating slices of pizza on the boardwalk that the pizzerias had a policy of replacing your slice if it was stolen out of your hand while you were eating it. The hawks don’t actually kill and gulls, they just chase them away.
Copy-&-Paste over 2 years ago
Another Friday has arrived – Believe it or Not!
eromlig over 2 years ago
Well, we’ve just had two quasi-holidays in a row, Star Wars Day and Cinco de Mayo. Really, it’s too bad they fall in that order, because in space, no one can hear the results of eating the wrong Mexican food… Appropo of absolutely nothing, I present the following:
A sixty-five year old woman goes to her doctor and asks him to prescribe her some birth control pills. “But at your age, you surely don’t need birth control,” the doctor protests. “Why would you want them?”
“The help me sleep,” she responds. The doctor has never heard of any soporific affect of birth control, but the old lady persists, so the doctor shrugs his shoulders and writes the prescription.
On her follow-up visit a couple of months later, the doctor asks, “So how are the birth control pills working for you?”
“Oh, wonderful, Doctor. I’m sleeping so well!”
“Tell me,” the physician wonders. “Do you know just why they make you sleep so well?”
“Why, of course I do, Doctor! I just put them in my teenage granddaughter’s orange juice every morning, and that night I sleep like a log.”
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
Back in 1977 or thereabouts, I pitched a tent at an Iowa State Park on Lake Okiboji, shortly after dark, and there were so many Salamanders that the ground appeared to be moving. In fact, I drove a tent stake through one and didn’t know it until morning. True story. Now Salamanders are on the decline.
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman’s back. What is the man’s name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver, says, “My answer is, there is no answer.”
The second, from Toronto, says, “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.”
The third one from Newfoundland says, “I’m not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It’s either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.”
The Newfoundlandler was given the job!
Until next time.
Templo S.U.D. over 2 years ago
two months later, how’s that Aussie pill bug swarm (or whatever you’ll call it)?
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood with big, stately residences—no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, especially after all those beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.” “I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.” “Ah, yes,” said the Bobbie, “just follow me.”
He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. “In there,” points the Bobbie. “Whiz away, anywhere you want.”
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop’s blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie,“That was really decent of you. Is that British hospitality?” “No,” replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, “That is the French Embassy.”
Until next time.
Ricky Bennett over 2 years ago
Split personality…
meg_grif over 2 years ago
Yoda could use one of those water guns… https://youtu.be/U9t-slLl30E
mswinson over 2 years ago
Hey, Silver! When you coming back? Ermo and the Fogger are filling in the gap while you are out, but it just ain’t the same without some Silver!
dv1093 over 2 years ago
I don’t see how Ripley’s can get away with displaying a dead person’s head or any other part of him.
Terr Bear Premium Member over 2 years ago
Guy with water gun: “Say hello to my little friend!” Lol
WCraft Premium Member over 2 years ago
Playing with Roly-Polys in the dirt as a child…you can’t buy memories like that.
Huckleberry Hiroshima over 2 years ago
The Germans are so lucky; all those umlauts and stuff.
Take care, may imaginary hero Jonathon Livingstone “I’ll Be In Your Dreams By Day And Night” Seagullord be with you, and gesundheit.
FassEddie over 2 years ago
Why doesn’t A Flock Of Seagulls perform in the Middle East?
Because Iran so far away.
198.23.5.11 over 2 years ago
A man is interviewing a job applicant.
The boss says—“Where did you spend the last four years?”And the applicant says—Yale"
“You’re hired!”,says the boss.Now,what’s your name?
And the applicant says—“Yoseph Yohnson”.
mindjob over 2 years ago
No worries. Those seagulls have been relocated to Australia to take care of the pill bug problem
t jacobs over 2 years ago
I HEARD THAT TO GET RID OF AN ANNOYING SEAGULL, TOSS THEM AN ALKA-SELTZER
markhughw over 2 years ago
In Ocean City NJ, we use trained Harris Hawks to ward off seagulls, which had become so aggressive with people eating slices of pizza on the boardwalk that the pizzerias had a policy of replacing your slice if it was stolen out of your hand while you were eating it. The hawks don’t actually kill and gulls, they just chase them away.
queenoftut over 2 years ago
As to the skull of “The Vampire of Düsseldorf,” just EWWWW!!