Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly for August 23, 2022

…..or 7.

In random order

Large doctor offices’ phone menus are the worst, along with trying to use their online patient portals without having that mysterious activation code.

There are few things I hate more than a smart aleck operator.

If you’re still not sure which number to choose, continue to think about it, and maybe we’ll choose for you.

Hello, you have reached the Pillbinder Medical Clinic. If this is a medical emergency, hang up and call 911. If you want to hear this message in Spanish, press 1. If you want to hear this message in Cantonese, press 2. If you want to hear this message in Russian, press 3. If you are a medical professional, press 4. If you are a representative of a pharmaceutical manufacturer, press 6. If you are calling to make a golf date with Doctor Pillbinder, press 7. If you are calling to make or cancel an appointment, press 8. If you are calling to make payment arrangements, press 9. If you want to hear this message again, press 0. If you desire to actually speak to a living person, you’re out of luck as we are out of digits.

Thank you for calling 911, if this is a police emergency please press 1 if it is a Fire Emergency please press 2, for any other emergency please stay on the line for our next available operator, your call is important to us, thank you for your patience.

Press ‘8’, if you would like to listen to interminable music with periodic announcements of ‘how important you call is to us………….’

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press – no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic, press 69696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later. If you have low self esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Incontinence hotline, please hold.

Any particular order?

But my suffering is a result of someone else’s indecisiveness.

“If you hate automated menus, go pound salt.”

Why don’t you leave political commentary comics off the strip. All it does is alienate half your readers.

Sequentially or simultaneously?!!

Hmm…should it be “and” or “or”?