Wizard of Id Classics by Parker and Hart for October 16, 2022

Yup! I still get my 10%

Guaranteed income. Pols delight.

On the contrary Fink, the rich will be poor but they will be the new poor as the poor will no longer be poor but they won’t be rich so long as the money is evenly distributed among them. The only rich person left will be Robbing Hood so he will retire from business.

Not that is a sustainable industry!

That won’t work. As soon as the poor got it, they spent it.

The Fink is nice, he keeps the present budget for himself and gives the future to the poor.

Sounds like what is happening here in the U.S of A. right now.

[Dennis Moore swings in through the window. They all respond to him with listless moans of disappointment.]

Moore: My lords, my ladies, on your feet, please. (he is ignored and therefore says commandingly) I must ask you to do exactly as I say or I shall be forced to shoot you right between the eyes. (they stand up hurriedly) Well not right between the eyes, I mean when I say between the eyes, obviously I don’t have to be that accurate, I mean, if I hit you in that sort of area, like that, obviously, that’s all right for me, I mean, I don’t have to try and sort of hit a point bisecting a line drawn between your pupils or anything like that. I mean, from my point of view, it’s perfectly satisfactory…

First Lady: What do you want? Why are you here?

Moore: Why are any of us here? I mean, when you get down to it, it’s all so meaningless, isn’t it? I mean what do any of us want…

Buckingham: No, no, what do you want now?

Moore: Oh I see, oh just the usual things, a little place of my own, the right girl…

Grantley: No, no, no! What do you want from us?

Moore: Oh, sorry. Your gold, your silver, your jewellery.

Buckingham: You’ve taken it all.

First Lady: This is all we’ve got left.

Moore: That’s nice. I’ll have them. Come on. (he takes all the spoons)

Buckingham: You’d better take the bloody lupin too.

Moore: Thank you very much, I’ve gone through that stage. (he grabs the rope and swings out again)

[Short montage of Dennis riding accompanied by the song]

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Etcetera, etcetera…

[He leaps off his horse and runs to the door of the hut, throws the door open and enters. The little hut is now stuffed with all possible signs of wealth and all imaginable treasures]

Male Peasant: What you got for us today then?

Moore: Well I’ve managed to find you four very nice silver spoons, Mr Jenkins.

[Continued…]

Male Peasant: (snatching them rudely) Who do you think you are giving us poor this rubbish?

Female Peasant: Bloody silver. Won’t have it in the house. (throws it away) And those candlesticks you got us last week were only sixteen carat.

Male Peasant: Yes, why don’t you go out and steal something nice like some Venetian silver.

Female Peasant: Or a Velasquez for the outside loo.

Moore: Oh all right. (turns purposefully)

[Usual montage of Dennis Moore riding plus song]

Song: Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Riding through the land

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Without a merry band

He steals from the poor and gives to the rich

Stupid bi​tch.

[Dennis Moore reins to sudden halt and looks over to camera]

Moore: What did you sing?

Singers: (speaking) We sang… he steals from the poor and gives to the rich.

Moore: Wait a tic … blimey, this redistribution of wealth is trickier than I thought.

[Continued…]

[Dennis Moore on a horse, blowing smoke from gun and putting it in his holster. He gallops off. We see him swooping down, after a couple of riding shots, on a stagecoach]

Moore: Halt! Halt! (the stage comes to a halt and the occupants get out rapidly, their hands held high) Gentlemen, ladies, bring out your valuables please. Come along sir, come along. Come along, madam, come along. Oh, is that all you’ve got … well, he’s got much more than you … so you’d better have some of his … (transfers money from one passenger to another, dropping some)… sorry… pick them up in a moment… there’s about oh, what, nine down there… so you must have about… oh, he’s still got lots… oh you’ve got what? … you’ve got more than he started with… so if I give you some of those (transferring more coins) … well now, look … have you got a bit of jewellery? If I give you that one and you have some of his coins (the credits start, superimposed) … is that another box? Were you trying to hide it? Well, that’s nice! Right! Now. I’ve got a tiara … you’ve got one… you’ve got one of the boxes… you’ve got one… anyone else got a tiara? Take your hat off! (passenger does so to reveal a tiara)… Oh, honestly, it’s absolutely pointless trying to do this if you’re going to cheat. It really is awful of you…

[Fade out]

Actually Robin Hood takes from the government and gives back the tax money that was stolen from the people. Big difference.

He should start running a charity, some of them keep 95% of the take as “administrative expenses”.

Like the first joke—-poor supply all the budget.