And now for tonight’s Humble Offering, a true story from well over twenty years ago…and one I seriously doubt anyone will copy, paste, and call his own:
My wife’s company used to send her out of state occasionally. The first time this happened, early on in our relationship, I decided to send flowers to her place of work. So I went to a florist shop. After choosing the display I wanted to send, I went to the cashier to pay and and give the address where they should be sent. “How do you want the card signed?” she asked.
Thinking to keep a bit of spice in the nascent relationship, I said, “Just leave it blank.”
She got angry at that; her jaw tightened. “Sir,” she intoned, “We do NOT send out flowers without some sort of signature; not from THIS shop. I need at least your first name. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”
Well, I could see I was defeated on that issue, so I said, “OK – my name is Anon.” (I made it rhyme with “cannon.”)
“Anon?” she repeated. “I’ve never heard of that name. How do you spell it?”
“A, N, O, N,” I told her. She gave me a slight nod of superiority – I couldn’t beat HER - and wrote it down.
My wife still has the card; it’s been over 25 years.
A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.
“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the IRS that you are not hiding anything.”
Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told: “Dress in your best suit. If you look like a confident businessman, they won’t give you too much trouble.”
Unable to make head or tails of this, he goes to his Rabbi. The Rabbi says: “You remind me of a young woman who came to me for advice. She was worried about what to wear for her wedding night.
Her aunt told her to dress plainly so her husband would think she was pure and innocent. Her mom told her to wear something revealing so he would be excited to be with her.”
The businessman is upset: “What does this have to do with me?”
The Rabbi replies: “Moshe, the advice I give you is the same thing I gave her: It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re still going to get fudged.”
Vegans and vegetarians who shun meat and replace it with more vegetables and beans produce a lot more gas than average. So much for eliminating cow farts.
An old one for today:- Genaro is in this country for only 5 months.He walks 10 blocks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.He wants those shoes so much…it’s all he can think about.After about 3 months he saves the price of the shoes, $500, and he buys them.Every Saturday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement and Genaro takes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.He asks Mary to dance and as they dance he asks her, ‘Mary, do you wear red panties tonight?’ Startled, Mary replies, ‘Yes, Genaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?’Genaro answers,‘I see the reflection in my new $500 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?’ Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ‘Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?’Rosa answers, ‘Yes, Genaro, I do, but how do you know that?’He replies, ‘I see the reflection in my new $500 Boccelli leather shoes. Do you like them?’ Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is about to be played, Genaro asks Carmel to dance.Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, ‘Carmel, be stilla my heart, please, please tella me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me true!’Carmel smiles coyly and answers, ‘Yes Genaro, I wear no panties tonight.’Genaro gasps, ‘Thanka God ……. I thought I had a CRACK in my new $500 Boccelli leather shoes!’Birdman … out.
eromlig almost 2 years ago
And now for tonight’s Humble Offering, a true story from well over twenty years ago…and one I seriously doubt anyone will copy, paste, and call his own:
My wife’s company used to send her out of state occasionally. The first time this happened, early on in our relationship, I decided to send flowers to her place of work. So I went to a florist shop. After choosing the display I wanted to send, I went to the cashier to pay and and give the address where they should be sent. “How do you want the card signed?” she asked.
Thinking to keep a bit of spice in the nascent relationship, I said, “Just leave it blank.”
She got angry at that; her jaw tightened. “Sir,” she intoned, “We do NOT send out flowers without some sort of signature; not from THIS shop. I need at least your first name. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”
Well, I could see I was defeated on that issue, so I said, “OK – my name is Anon.” (I made it rhyme with “cannon.”)
“Anon?” she repeated. “I’ve never heard of that name. How do you spell it?”
“A, N, O, N,” I told her. She gave me a slight nod of superiority – I couldn’t beat HER - and wrote it down.
My wife still has the card; it’s been over 25 years.
Templo S.U.D. almost 2 years ago
How’s Tyler Perry doing now since his IRS fiasco?
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 2 years ago
The noble gas Argon walks into a bar. The barkeeper says “What would you like to drink?”
But Argon doesn’t react.
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 2 years ago
How do you prevent a morphine overdose?
Use lessphine.
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 2 years ago
The wife of an unhappily married man was near desth.
On her death bed, she said, “Sweety! I’ll see you in Heaven.”
Since then, he’s kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.
jmolay161 almost 2 years ago
Half a gallon of gas a day? Climate change will take care of that stinky issue.
mindjob almost 2 years ago
Countries should grow more beans, produce more gas and sell it to get out of debt.
Pickled Pete almost 2 years ago
A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.
“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the IRS that you are not hiding anything.”
Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told: “Dress in your best suit. If you look like a confident businessman, they won’t give you too much trouble.”
Unable to make head or tails of this, he goes to his Rabbi. The Rabbi says: “You remind me of a young woman who came to me for advice. She was worried about what to wear for her wedding night.
Her aunt told her to dress plainly so her husband would think she was pure and innocent. Her mom told her to wear something revealing so he would be excited to be with her.”
The businessman is upset: “What does this have to do with me?”
The Rabbi replies: “Moshe, the advice I give you is the same thing I gave her: It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re still going to get fudged.”
khmo almost 2 years ago
If pronounced correctly there is no joke at all
Huckleberry Hiroshima almost 2 years ago
Thus the recent focus on gaslighting.
Take care, may fun loving frat boy Todd “Hold My Beer” O’Lookatme be with you, and gesundheit.
cmccallum almost 2 years ago
Is that at STP or SATP?
Gameguy49 Premium Member almost 2 years ago
Vegans and vegetarians who shun meat and replace it with more vegetables and beans produce a lot more gas than average. So much for eliminating cow farts.
tremaine53 almost 2 years ago
And marijuana gets its name from the Roman goddess, ‘Marijaynicus’.
heathcliff2 almost 2 years ago
Too bad he couldn’t fire the other counting team. Seems to be a lack of integrity.
Stephen Gilberg almost 2 years ago
That dog looks like a Wookiee.
Birdman47 almost 2 years ago
An old one for today:- Genaro is in this country for only 5 months.He walks 10 blocks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.He wants those shoes so much…it’s all he can think about.After about 3 months he saves the price of the shoes, $500, and he buys them.Every Saturday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement and Genaro takes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.He asks Mary to dance and as they dance he asks her, ‘Mary, do you wear red panties tonight?’ Startled, Mary replies, ‘Yes, Genaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?’Genaro answers,‘I see the reflection in my new $500 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?’ Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ‘Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?’Rosa answers, ‘Yes, Genaro, I do, but how do you know that?’He replies, ‘I see the reflection in my new $500 Boccelli leather shoes. Do you like them?’ Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is about to be played, Genaro asks Carmel to dance.Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, ‘Carmel, be stilla my heart, please, please tella me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me true!’Carmel smiles coyly and answers, ‘Yes Genaro, I wear no panties tonight.’Genaro gasps, ‘Thanka God ……. I thought I had a CRACK in my new $500 Boccelli leather shoes!’Birdman … out.
pbr50138 almost 2 years ago
Some people make twice that much gas…or…so I’ve heard. ;-)