Close to Home by John McPherson for October 04, 2023

The Only TikTokking Is The Sound Of Their Time As Gym Members Running Out

I am a staff/trainer/cleaner at my gym, so I am usually busy cleaning the machines when I don’t have other duties. I walk over to one of the machines to start cleaning it when a couple in designer workout gear comes over to me.

Gym Member #1: “You idiot! You ruined our TikTok! Now we have to start again!” I am not an avid user of social media, and this is before TikTok is part of the social consciousness.

Me: Confused “Uh… what?” Gym Member #2: “We were just about to finish up the perfect shot of our couple workout, and you had to go and ruin it!” I then see their phone standing on a tripod, set up to make a video. The penny drops.

Me: “Oh, I see. Well, I work here, and I have my assigned tasks, which include cleaning the equipment. If you don’t want that in your shot, either change the angle or wait for me to finish.” Gym Member #1: “You wouldn’t be saying that to us if you knew how many followers we have!”

Me: “And you wouldn’t be saying that to me if you knew I was the owner of the gym. Would you like to be banned?” They stop and look shocked for a second, but then they think they’re being smart. Gym Member #2: “Bulls***! No gym owner would be cleaning! That’s for the janitors.”

Me: “And it’s statements like that that make me realize why you need to have followers to validate yourselves. I’ll make sure your contracts are terminated without cancellation fees, but you can both leave right now, thank you.”

They argued and demanded I call the real manager or owner over, but they finally had to admit defeat when they realized I was not budging and that I really was the owner.

Owning a non-brand gym in a relatively rural part of the States where the nearest chain gym is easily thirty miles away means I never have to worry about running out of clients, and I never have to worry about discarding the undesirable ones.

“Keeping Up Appearances.”

i would probably need the pre-pre-gym

What a great idea!

A 2017 rerun of a good one. Not only is it too much to do, but it’s too much to even say.

“I’m goin’ for a pre-workout-workout, at the pre-gym-gym, before I workout at the gym!

After your workout, enjoy sump’n from Granny’s table fare:

Smoked Crawdads and Blackeyed Peas

Weeell-Doggies! You’ll be tighter than the high string on a two dollar fiddle!

The pre-gym has private booths to pump up in.

I use the “no gym” at my house.

Are they selling pre pre-workout?

And the membership lasts for only two weeks, because that’s all you’ll ever need.

I actually never thought of trying to look good before going to the gym to make myself look better. I figured as long as there were no really big holes in my gym shorts, I was good to go. Of course, those were the days when I really went to the gym. …back in the day.

And it’s all about looks anyway. The workout is secondary to watch others see.

I see it has automatic doors for 98 lb weaklings.

So they don’t wipe the sweat off the equipment there?

Is that like loading up on carbs before the gym. Like a giant helping of Fettucine Alfredo? (the Steve Carell Office episode comes to mind)

Good one. A little presweat, get worked up to work out.

Velly cleber cartoon man…

This is like the amuse-bouche of working out.