Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for September 10, 2024

To Be Fair, Jesus Did Hang Out With Them!

I have a regular customer who is a devout Christian, but doesn’t try to convert or preach, so I don’t mind having an occasional pleasant conversation with her. She, my bagger, and I are talking about our weekend plans:

Customer: “Yes, I do my regular Monday-to-Friday at the office so I can engage in my real passion over the weekend as part of the world’s oldest profession!”

Both the bagger and I pause for a second, share a split-second of eye contact, and then look slowly at the customer.

Bagger: “Uh… [Customer’s Name], what do you think the world’s oldest profession is?”

Customer: “Well, preaching of course!”

Bagger: “That’s… not what that means.”

Customer: “What? Of course it is!”

Bagger: “No… it, uh… it means…”

Me: “It means prostitute.”

Customer: Eyes go wide. “What… no! It means preacher! My daughter told me!”

Bagger: “I’m really sorry, but it means prostitute.”

In a sudden panic, she gets on her phone and googles it. Her eyes go wide, and she angrily calls her daughter.

Customer: “Why did you tell me the world’s oldest profession is preaching!? I told Father James that I was busy doing the world’s oldest profession for the church!”

Just When You Thought You’d Out-Stupided Her…

I’m a cook. On this particular busy night, we have run out of lobster mac and cheese. I’m talking to a new waitress.

Me: “Can you stop accepting orders of lobster mac and cheese? I already told you we’re out.”

New Waitress: “I thought you were making some more.”

Me: “No, we’re out.”

Despite this, she keeps accepting orders from customers for lobster mac and cheese! I get annoyed to the point where I sarcastically make up a reason to tell her to make her accept, once and for all, that we are not able to sell any more tonight.

Later:

Manager: “Did you tell [New Waitress] that we’re out of lobster mac and cheese because there’s a worldwide shortage of people with small enough hands to milk lobsters’ tiny nipples, hence a worldwide shortage of lobster milk?”

Me: “Yeah, I had to show her how stupid she was being to keep taking orders for it. It finally got her to stop!”

Manager: “Yes, but she’s been telling that to customers when they ask for it.”

Not The Kind Of Food You’d Find On Fear Factor

I work in an Indian restaurant in London that gets a lot of international visitors. An American family are checking out our menu and one of them exclaims to the other:

Customer: “I can’t believe they’ve decided to name a curry after Joe Rogan! I keep seeing it over here! You’d never have seen that five years ago!”

I then took it upon myself to explain to them what a ‘Rogan Josh’ was.

(Rogan josh, also spelled roghan josh or roghan ghosht, is an aromatic curried meat dish originating from Kashmir.

It is made with red meat—traditionally lamb, mutton, or goat—and coloured and flavoured primarily by alkanet flower (or root) and Kashmiri chilies. It is one of the signature recipes of Kashmiri cuisine.)

I’ve said the same thing Aunty.

People who can hold back and NOT say everything they’d like to, have the greater wisdom.

This is why Aunty is not allowed to have speech bubbles.

I will not make a political comment. I will not make a political comment …

Aunty, if you said everything you wanted it would still just be word salad.

……and that could cause some depression!!!

Sometimes silence is the most eloquent argument.

“It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.” – Maurice Switzer.

The “Smile and Nod” approach can be tremendously affective (Effective?).

But there’s a place where you can do that now, Aunty! It’s called “the internet!”

I tend to “Plead the Thumper.” Thumper’s mommy asks Thumper “Now what does your daddy say?” Thumper looks ashamed and answers, “If you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Yikes!