Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for October 02, 2024

The Taking Twos

A mom comes up to my checkout; she has a toddler, a little girl, in a stroller. She brings her up to the counter and says to her in a practiced tone:

Mom: “Okay, what cha got?”

This kid starts pulling out all the things she had hidden, either on her little person, or inside the stroller. She’s pulling out little plushies, candies, etc.

Mom: “That’s not everything.”

The kid starts pulling out even more! I’m actually impressed with how much she is able to hide. In the end, this kid pulls out like $100 worth of plushies and candy. The mom proceeds to buy every item.

Mom: To me. “Kids, amirite?”

I don’t mean to comment on how a stranger parents, but I wouldn’t reinforce the bad behavior by buying all the things she had hidden!

This mom repeats this process every week when she comes into shop. We’ve started calling her kid the tot-lifter.

You Run Into Some Special Characters Working In IT

I work for a large company in internal tech support, meaning that the internal team members reach out to me for help with their stuff. I am not public-facing. We are a tech-driven company and don’t even have a customer-facing building; it’s all over the phone and online. So, you NEED to be pretty good with a computer to work here.

I’ve been assigned an access ticket from a coworker in Sales who makes four times my salary, and I reach out to him.

Me: “Hey there, [Coworker]! I see you are having issues accessing your program. What seems to be the issue?”

Coworker: “I keep getting this stupid error message, and it never goes past it! It’s so frustrating that we, leaders in tech for our industry, can’t even get our own system right!”

Me: Annoyed “I can take a look here. What is the error you are getting?”

Coworker: “‘Username or password is incorrect’! How do I get past this?!”

Me: “You need to reset your password if you have verified that you have typed your username in right.”

Several minutes later, after baby-stepping through resetting a password…

Me: “Okay, so, as the site says, the password requirements are twelve characters, at least one uppercase, one lowercase, one number, and one special character.”

Coworker: “Is the number supposed to be uppercase or lowercase? And when you say ‘special’, does that mean my favorite? This is insane!”

Me: “There are no such things as uppercase or lowercase numbers. And ‘special’ as in… the dot, or the question mark.”

Coworker: “All set!” Click

Bro makes like $180,000, people. $180,000!

Closing Time Is Not A Suggestion

Caller: “When do you close?”

Me: “In about five minutes.”

Caller: “Oh! But I’m about ten minutes away.”

Me: “Then I’m afraid you won’t make it.”

Caller: “Please! I just need one thing! I’m driving right now!”

Me: “If you can be here in ten minutes I will sell you precisely one item.”

Caller: “Thanks! I’m running to my car now!”

Me: “I thought you said you were already driving?”

Caller: “Uh… no I said I was about to drive.”

Me: “No, you said you were driving.”

Caller: “Well you already said you’d sell to me so now you have to!” Click.

I figured if he actually did show up five minutes past closing, I would allow him to buy one item. He didn’t show.

Half an hour after closing as we’re all walking to our cars, we see a car screech into the parking lot and a guy runs up to the front door (leaving the engine running) and bangs on the door.

Why do people say they’re ten minutes away when they’re actually thirty?

Forked Around And Found Out

Many years ago, I was an eighteen-year-old waitress at a cafe that was owned and operated by a wonderfully sweet woman who did not suffer fools gladly.

During a hectic lunch rush, I found myself handling most of the restaurant as our other server was out sick. At one table sat two men, well known in the community as local political figures. After I delivered their drinks, one asked for a spoon for his coffee. Concerned with the order waiting in the window, I promised to return with one and headed back to the kitchen.

Obviously, I was too slow in returning for the gentleman, who flagged down the owner from her post at the register.

Man: Irately “Can I get something to stir my coffee with, or do I have to whip out my d**k and use it?!”

Without missing a beat, my sweet Southern boss replied:

Boss: “Oh, you’ll never reach the bottom of the cup with that. I’ll grab you a spoon!”

You’re unique, just like everyone else.

Yes Auntie, you’re one of a kind, praise the Lord!

Aunty is like a coin that came out of the die weird, and is special for that reason.

thankfully they broke the mold when they made Auntie

Well nobody has the same DNA!!!!!

Auntie was special, short bus special.

Yesterday your own butt cheeks were applauding your uniqueness.

Yeah, well Aunty, the duck billed platypus is pretty freaking special too. Would you want to be one?

You are very special, Aunty.

. . . or a factory irregular

Lot of old fat sots out there madam Orca.

Short bus special?

I sure would not want to become endagered, but I get the point.

And so many people are thankful you’re one of a kind.

Endagered species that survive are definitely rare enough to be special.

Is that a typo for endangered, or for endaggered? Speaking for myself, I wouldn’t want to be either….