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This Computer’s AI Was Trained With “The Apprentice”
I have a friend who manages a restaurant. One morning in 2016, [Friend] received a frantic call from his boss telling him he had to call every employee of the restaurant to let them know they still had jobs.
“Why?” he asked, not unreasonably.
“Because the computer fired everyone last night.”
Somehow, the restaurant’s computer system had automatically emailed every single employee below the level of manager in this small national chain and let them know that their services were no longer required, and that their last paycheck would be mailed to them.
Their IT people were apparently trying to figure out what had happened, but they faced a bit of a challenge; they’d also been automatically fired.
One of the worst library patrons I helped on the computer was a bit like the one in this story. He kept yelling:
Patron: “THIS COMPUTER ISN’T DOING WHAT I WANT!”
I began helping him, and he just started mashing buttons and saying stuff like, “What about this? What if I do this? Huh? What about this? And this?”
I finally had to tell him:
Me: “If you keep randomly hitting stuff without knowing what you are doing, I am going to step away, and nobody else will help you.”
And even then, it was like pulling teeth to get him to say what the heck he was trying to do!
Patron: “Can I use your computer to print some pages?”
Me: “Yes, it’s [cost] per page. Let me get you set up over here. Do you know how to—”
Patron: “Yes, yes, I know how to print!”
Less than an hour later, I notice she has printed over a hundred pages. She had to put in her card details before she logged in, so she is being charged for every page. I ask if she intended to print that many.
Patron: Blowing up at me “No! But your computer is being difficult! You’d better not charge me!”
I can physically see her selecting the wrong option on the computer.
Me: “Ma’am, our terms of use say the user is responsible for these errors, so we can’t refund you.”
Patron: “Fine! But I still want to know what you’re going to do about it!”
Me: “Well, as I said, we—”
Patron: “You need to fix this for me!”
Me: “Well, we can—”
Patron: “What are you going to do for me?!”
Me: Speaking over her “How would you like me to fix this for you? How can I help make this right?”
She stares at me and then yells.
Patron: “You don’t want to help me at all!” Stomps off
Our office manager is, for lack of a better set of words, the worst human being on the planet.
Office Manager: “I swear, the price of butter has gone up because of immigrants!”
We all keep our heads down, hoping he will stop engaging if we ignore his racist rants, but no such luck.
Office Manager: “They keep coming over here and claiming asylum, and it costs the taxpayers more, so they need to increase the price of everything to offset it! Send them all back!”
Coworker: “Yes, because why help a family escape death by missile as long as your butter stays below £3, eh?”
Office Manager: “It’s not just that! Some African family moved into my block last week, and it smells! They cook all these goat things, and I can see the bones in their rubbish.”
Coworker: “Why are you looking through their rubbish?”
Office Manager: “I’m not, but I swear, it’s some kind of voodoo stuff. It creeps me out. They’re going to curse the building.”
His rants are honestly that unhinged. (If it helps he is also one of those rarer but still sadly apparent UK people who are anti-vax and voted for Brexit, but I digress.)
The next day, the office manager is trying to get his work done, but he keeps swearing and hitting the side of the computer until, eventually, he gives up and storms out.
Me: “He seems extra angry today.”
My coworker shakes what appears to be a second computer mouse at his desk.
Coworker: “Cheap mouse with a Bluetooth dongle. Stick it in a hard-to-reach back port. Keep the mouse in your desk. Give it a jiggle once in a while.”
seanfear about 11 hours ago
CTRL+Alt+Del
FreyjaRN Premium Member about 11 hours ago
The parental control button on my TV remote doesn’t work either. Same for the mute button.
blunebottle about 10 hours ago
Dang! What a good idea if it would work.
C about 10 hours ago
What did you expect with generic coffee and knockoff Apples?
PraiseofFolly about 7 hours ago
Hers must be an Alcatraz Brand desktop. They are guaranteed highly secure and virtually Escape Proof.
nosirrom about 7 hours ago
Poor Auntie. Her contract didn’t have an Esc clause.
Yakety Sax about 6 hours ago
This Computer’s AI Was Trained With “The Apprentice”
I have a friend who manages a restaurant. One morning in 2016, [Friend] received a frantic call from his boss telling him he had to call every employee of the restaurant to let them know they still had jobs.
“Why?” he asked, not unreasonably.
“Because the computer fired everyone last night.”
Somehow, the restaurant’s computer system had automatically emailed every single employee below the level of manager in this small national chain and let them know that their services were no longer required, and that their last paycheck would be mailed to them.
Their IT people were apparently trying to figure out what had happened, but they faced a bit of a challenge; they’d also been automatically fired.
Yakety Sax about 6 hours ago
That Computer Oughta File Charges
One of the worst library patrons I helped on the computer was a bit like the one in this story. He kept yelling:
Patron: “THIS COMPUTER ISN’T DOING WHAT I WANT!”
I began helping him, and he just started mashing buttons and saying stuff like, “What about this? What if I do this? Huh? What about this? And this?”
I finally had to tell him:
Me: “If you keep randomly hitting stuff without knowing what you are doing, I am going to step away, and nobody else will help you.”
And even then, it was like pulling teeth to get him to say what the heck he was trying to do!
Yakety Sax about 5 hours ago
(the story referenced above)
Some People Are Beyond Help
Patron: “Can I use your computer to print some pages?”
Me: “Yes, it’s [cost] per page. Let me get you set up over here. Do you know how to—”
Patron: “Yes, yes, I know how to print!”
Less than an hour later, I notice she has printed over a hundred pages. She had to put in her card details before she logged in, so she is being charged for every page. I ask if she intended to print that many.
Patron: Blowing up at me “No! But your computer is being difficult! You’d better not charge me!”
I can physically see her selecting the wrong option on the computer.
Me: “Ma’am, our terms of use say the user is responsible for these errors, so we can’t refund you.”
Patron: “Fine! But I still want to know what you’re going to do about it!”
Me: “Well, as I said, we—”
Patron: “You need to fix this for me!”
Me: “Well, we can—”
Patron: “What are you going to do for me?!”
Me: Speaking over her “How would you like me to fix this for you? How can I help make this right?”
She stares at me and then yells.
Patron: “You don’t want to help me at all!” Stomps off
Yakety Sax about 5 hours ago
SOMETHING Evil Has Touched That Computer…
Our office manager is, for lack of a better set of words, the worst human being on the planet.
Office Manager: “I swear, the price of butter has gone up because of immigrants!”
We all keep our heads down, hoping he will stop engaging if we ignore his racist rants, but no such luck.
Office Manager: “They keep coming over here and claiming asylum, and it costs the taxpayers more, so they need to increase the price of everything to offset it! Send them all back!”
Coworker: “Yes, because why help a family escape death by missile as long as your butter stays below £3, eh?”
Office Manager: “It’s not just that! Some African family moved into my block last week, and it smells! They cook all these goat things, and I can see the bones in their rubbish.”
Coworker: “Why are you looking through their rubbish?”
Office Manager: “I’m not, but I swear, it’s some kind of voodoo stuff. It creeps me out. They’re going to curse the building.”
His rants are honestly that unhinged. (If it helps he is also one of those rarer but still sadly apparent UK people who are anti-vax and voted for Brexit, but I digress.)
The next day, the office manager is trying to get his work done, but he keeps swearing and hitting the side of the computer until, eventually, he gives up and storms out.
Me: “He seems extra angry today.”
My coworker shakes what appears to be a second computer mouse at his desk.
Coworker: “Cheap mouse with a Bluetooth dongle. Stick it in a hard-to-reach back port. Keep the mouse in your desk. Give it a jiggle once in a while.”
Me: “That’s… evil!”
Coworker: “Blame it on the voodoo.”
Lady loves a joke about 5 hours ago
Love it!
rockyridge1977 about 3 hours ago
…….you must finish your coffee first!!!!!
daisypekin01 about 2 hours ago
I know…..!
ladykat Premium Member about 2 hours ago
Good one, Aunty!
assrdood about 2 hours ago
Aunty, whatever you do, don’t tap the “delete” key
Daltongang Premium Member about 1 hour ago
Well if we’re lucky maybe the Control>Alt>Delete buttons will do the trick.
cuzinron47 23 minutes ago
Prisoners have the same problem.
cuzinron47 22 minutes ago
Maybe if you had a pina colada.