Matt Bors for November 28, 2007

Transcript:

The Philip Morris Tumor Corporation has opened a lavish $350 million research facility dedicated to creating a SAFER cigarette. Executive: And our new ALCHEMY Center promises to turn lead into GOLD! It's the latest step in strengthening their health-centered business philosophy. Woman: We COULD stop selling cigarettes altogether. Man: What? And give up on making them SAFE? Their goal is to reverse declining sales by capturing the elusive health conscious smoker demographic. Sprinkled with nutritional yeast. Organic! Ionized air purifier Vitamin enriched When SAFE CIGS hit the market, Tour De France winners will endorse their beneficial effects. Athlete: Puff on these for PEDAL POWER! NEXT PROJECT: Candy cigarettes that don't cause cavities. Man: For Moms Who Care!