Matt Bors for April 20, 2009

Transcript:

Susan Boyle, the frumpy female Brit, has become an unlikely internet sensation with her singing. SWOON! TEAR! The entire industrialized world had their mind blown because they've never seen a woman with crazy eyebrows and natural breasts on TV before - let alone a SINGING ONE! Man: OK, who put PCP in the meatloaf? Even more perplexing, we can't invade her sex life, because she doesn't have one - she's a VIRGIN. As pure as Lindsay Lohan's coke. Man: So, no sex tape? Slow down. I'm processing. Susan, you must conform to our notion of a female star! Get an agent and listen. Agent: Adopt an African kid. Drink and drive. That's huge. Hef called. He made an offer.