Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for April 27, 2014

For once I like Rat’s improvement.

“Revised” nursery rhyme from when I was a kid::Jack and Jill went up the hillTo have a little fun,But stupid Jill forgot her pillSo now they have a son.

I seem to recall Schwarzenegger versions of Mother Goose in Boy Scout camp. One went as such: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped over the dynamite stick. He wasn’t quick enough; he blew up.

Mary had a little lambShe liked it so very well,one day she got some dynamite and blew it straight to Hell…

Jack be drinkingJack be stoppedJack be arrestedBy the #$%^&*@ cops

Mary had a little lamb, a little beef, a little ham, some tofu and threw up.

Some nursery rhymes already end in tragedy anyway: Humpty Dumpty, Jack and Jill.

Rat’s right, again. I always figured Jack for an insurance risk, and now that he’s drinking and jumping….Don’t drink and jump, kids! —Get a designated jumper!

Mary had a little lamb.Her daddy shot it dead.And now she takes her lamb to schoolbetween two slabs of bread.

Mary had a little lambAnd a lot of mashed potatoes and gravy.

Mary had a little lamb,she fed it Castor oil,and every time it jumped the fence,it fertilized the soil.

Mary had a little lambShe kept it on a shelfAnd every time it wagged its tailIt spanked its little self

Mary had a little lambShe kept it on a shelfAnd every time it wagged its tailIt spanked its little self

Mary had a little lambHer daddy killed it deadAnd now it goes to school with herBetween two slabs of bread

Mary had a little lambShe tied it to the heater…and every time it turned aroundit burned its little “seater”

Finally! Pastis was funny today…….today……..

Mary had a little lambShe fed it castor oilNow every time it jumps the fenceIt fertilized the soil.

As the old comedy routine went—Wagging their tails behind them. Where did she think they would wag them? In front of them?

Mary had a little sheep, with the sheep she went to sleep, the sheep turned out to be a ram and Mary had a little lamb

Jack be nimble Jack be quickJack jumped over the candle stickJack didn’t quite clear the flameNow he’s known as Auntie Mame !!

Don’t know about that; “Ring around the rosie” has a dark history.

Mary had a little sheep,And with that sheep she went to sleep,But the sheep turned out to be a ram,So Mary had a little lamb.

Woo hoo! Stupid Drunk Games!!

look what you’ve started Pastis….

Jack jumped over a candlestick.Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire.

(not my parody; I saw it somewhere, but can’t remember)

I like how Rat changes it up. This is a good one too.

Just say no.

Well you can’t expect Rat to be soft now can you, Goat?

xxx

Mary had a little LambIt’s fleece was black as sootEverywhere that Mary went,It’s sooty foot it put.

Apologies – Somehow missed reading your citing that same version.

Jacks been drinking, jack is soused, jack set fire to the whole damn house!

I’m shocked at how Rat ended this nursery rhyme, considering he drinks to the point of being soused himself.

Mary had a little lamb,the doctor was surprised

Mary had a little lambIt followed her to sleepThe lamb turned out to be a ramNow Mary is full of sheep.

Mary had a little lamb…and the obstetrician called the nearest Ripley’s BIoN Museum!

Ha! Everyone, your parodies are hilarious!

Three questions that I must have answered before I shuffle off:1) Why do hotdogs come in packs of 12, and rolls in packs of 8?

2) Why do drivers park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway?

3) Why is Rat, who uses a pencil, covered in INK stains?

Whatever creates discussion is what matters.And yes, I agree that over the years, Stephan has created many comics that can be open to the reader’s imagination. I wish more cartoonists did this.

Jack be lethal, jack be slick, Jill is gonna bash your teeth in with a pick