The Argyle Sweater by Scott Hilburn for December 16, 2020

I like a good fruitcake. Unfortunately, most aren’t.

As Founder and President of the North American Fruitcake Anti-Defamation League, I protest!!

(Lifetime memberships US$25. Cash only.)

I wonder who got doorstop duty at the reunion?

My father loved fruitcake. Kind of like water seeking its own level. Or something.

I want to see the one that was left on the tracks and derailed the train !

Fruitcakes in the kitchen (Fruitcakes in the kitchen)

Fruitcakes on the street (Fruitcakes on the street)

Struttin’ naked through the crosswalk

In the middle of the week

Half-baked cookies in the oven (Cookies in the oven)

Half-baked people on the bus (People on the bus)

There’s a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us

at their reunions nobody talks about how the years have hardened them…

Nutty as a fruitcake, they say! I do not remember ever having one!

Sadly we are surrounded by fruitcake.

Looks like a Q Anon rally.

They’re all ver-re-gifted.

A 100+ year old fruitcake was found in a food cache in the Antarctic. Still edible, apparently.

…they’re all just a little bit nuts…

I see that they’re replenishing their rum content.

Where’s the Twinkies?

We had a couple fruitcakes in my high school class… but they’ve aged just like the rest of us.

Not even common home critters were interested.

When your self life is listed in half-lives.

I’m glad nobody got political and said we don’t lose the fruitcake until January 20th.

oops!

We just received my sister’s annual fruitcake. Tastes the same every year. But now I realize, maybe she just made one giant batch 20 years ago!

Irish Fruitcake Recipe

Ingredients:

1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups candied fruit

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

1 bottle whiskey (sample the whiskey to check for quality)

Directions:

1. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again – to be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

2. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

3. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

4. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.

5. Turn off the mixer.

6. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of candied fruit.

7. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

8. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

9. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

10. Check the whiskey.

11. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

12. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

13. Grease the oven.

14. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

15. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Enjoy!

How is it that fruitcakes continue to be made when they’re universally reviled?

A yearly dosing with brandy keeps my “heirloom fruitcake” soft enough to re-gift, if I could bear to part with it.

Ah, they said the same thing at the Twinky Reunion…

I love a good fruit cake

That’s a whole lotta doors slamming shut.

They make an excellent chock.

My in-laws reunion.

The rum preserves!